Since Thursday I have been struggling with a fever, sinus headache, cold, and sore throat. It is like wow…my body just said “HEY YOU ARE DOING TOOOO MUCH…..TIME TO SLEEP!” Granted I was not happy..this was the week that I had a speaking engagement tonight (was), I have to present my finding on my research to my class via a meeting on Wednesday and then Thursday I fly to Denver! I’m like REALLY THIS WEEK!!! REALLY!!!!
But you know the more I think about it the more I realize ….balance is key! I wasn’t too balanced the last month or so….living, breathing, sleeping statistics…and my research. And my body was like UMMMM yah this is not working for me! You would thing since I have had RA/Fibro/Lupus now for about three years I would KNOW how to balance….but I am still learning…still have not gotten there YET!
Maybe because like many people (or I would think like many people) who have these invisible diseases….we deny it. We say we know what our bodies can handle but then we have one good day! And by one GOOD day…we can actually get up with a little less pain, we can actually do our laundry AND fold our laundry! We can take a shower AND put on our make up! We can go to work for a few hours AND come home and not need a nap! Things like that make OUR days but then we sometimes forget and tend to push on with out a break ….at least I do (did).
The last few weeks I have been pushing on with out my normal nap in the afternoon! Yes I have been on a scheduled nap for a while now…I would go to work…come home, take a nap and THEN do some homework. Which I did ok with for awhile but then I had “SO MUCH TO DO” that I would not take a nap…and just push myself to stay up and do my homework. By the time I did lay down for a nap I was exhausted…beyond my “normal.”
Which that gets me to “my normal” what does that mean??? For me I define my normal as being able to get out of bed, get ready for work, go to work for a few hours a day and get my homework done. Granted this is all done with pain, exhaustion, and fibro fog. So def. not the “normal” that non-fibro/RA people feel. I miss my energy more than anything else…the fatigue/pure exhaustion makes me feel like I have non stop mono and then some! So when I say I about 75% of my “normal” that means a lot to my already exhausted and pain filled body! I am hoping by tomorrow I am up to 90% of my “normal.” Even though it irritates me to have to say “my normal” but honestly I tell myself…acceptance will help me get through this journey easier.
My counseling background screams in my head——acceptance is part of grieving. I have to accept and move on on…but at the same time denial is part of grieving too. Will I ever “get over” my RA/Fibro dx???? I think probably one day….maybe…. Will I still struggle with denial of it….NO DOUBT. Will I struggle to balance….probably but my hope is I get better at it as I mature!
In the US we are going through a month of thankfulness! I am thankful that I live in a country now where I can get treatment. I am thankful that I am able to share my feelings about living with this disease. One of the main reasons I started my blog was to get out what I was feeling….Lord knows keeping all of this inside…ouch! And then I also wanted people to know wow we can live…it is a different life from the “normal” people but we can still live. And we can connect and we can share our lives! To know someone else out there KNOWS too …wow for me that is golden!
So I am thankful I can share my life and know I am not alone!
I am thankful today for my 75% of my “normal” and I hope that tomorrow I can be closer to 100% of my normal! I am looking forward to Thursday! I cannot wait to share pictures of Denver, my FIRST doctoral student conference and meeting with my fellow Barbara Jackson Scholars! The good Lord has blessed me and I cannot wait to see what will happen!
I still struggle to call my RA/Fibro a blessing…maybe one day! But for today…I am thankful I took yesterday and today to rest and let my cup re-fill! Balance… I hope to learn to do it better!