Category Archives: RA Information

by

Last Day!!!!!

Yup…while the semester officially started on Thursday….tonight is actually my last night before I “officially” go for classes! Tomorrow, I head for my first internship meeting, that is my orientation session, and then Wednesday night I have my first “class” in multivariate statistics. I had hoped last weekend would be a refreshing weekend….but that did not happen. So tonight I’m thinking of doing one more chapter of statistics and then get to “bed” early (so say 11:30-Midnight. That way I can relax a little before bed.

Tomorrow, after work I drive up to the campus then I have my orientation for an hour. I should be back home by 7:30-8:00p.m. I know I will be tired so I want to get as much as the “heavy lifting” done now so I can be a little less stressed tomorrow night. And the good news, this summer I will only have one class on Wednesday nights!! YAY! So instead of going to class 4:30 – 9:50p.m. I will only have class from 4:30 – 7:10p.m. YAY!!!!! That means every night after class..instead of getting home close to 11:30-Midnight I will be getting home by 8:30 – 9:00p.m. WHEW!! That will feel good!

Counting down…this will be last second to last summer class!! Next summer I will be taking proposal….my very LAST class!!! WOHOOO!!! :) It feels like it was just yesterday that I started college as a 16 year old freshman! I was so young…so niave! Wow how much  I have grown up…how much I have learned about myself. I am most certainly not the same person today as I was then. I am way more mature, way more wordly experienced (in the sense that  I have seen how hard/harsh the world can be), and more realistic in my thinking.

I am thankful though, I was able to start a plan some 6-7 years ago…that has led me to here. While I know getting a tenure position might be difficult. I am willing to work hard and aim for it. Never will hard work not pay off! Your hard work might not pay off in the way you thought it would! Now that might happen…sure I might hope/plan for a tenure position and I end up an administrator some where. But my hard work will not be in vain! It will have earned an education. That will never be able to be taken away from me! An education that has helped shape me into who I am today.

You know…the truth of the matter is…not every one needs this much education. Heck some people can be very successful and HAPPY with no higher education. That is the great thing…we do not all need this education. But for me…my choice has been such a blessing. And I am extremely thankful that I have been able to have determination from within (i.e. resilience) to push through the Rheumatoid Arthritis/Fibromyalgia pain.

But honestly, that is one reason that I work ahead. One reason I keep going going going….because there will be some days….some nights where I have to rest. Some nights I have to come home and go to bed. And in order to do that…to do that and not suffer in my grades…I have to take advantage of the nights that I can work. I might not want to (like tonight) but you know what….I can do it…so I will push myself to do it! It is a sacrifice…it is my sacrifice…but with my sacrifice…there will be a gain!

I focus on the future…I focus on graduation night.  I will be so sad to have this journey over…I will be so heartbroken to be done…the life I have led the past 13 years will be done…BUT that’s it I will be done. So instead of stressing I want to enjoy this last official year of being in coursework! This time next year…I will be saying goodbye to coursework and hello to my straight dissertation hours! God will be there..he never leaves!

Speaking of my faith, I picked up a wonderful Bible study book this weekend. It is “Reclaiming Your Joy” I am looking forward to digging into it and seeing joy through my spiritual eyes. For those who have read my blog now (for the past few years) you know..my faith…sustains me. Sometimes it feels like I’m walking in a dry dessert….sometimes it feels like I’m walking in a dark valley but regardless I still hold my God’s peace, my God’s patience, and my God’s hope in my heart!

Off to work on statistics and my other homework things tonight! Happy end of summer….Happy Summer 2013 semester! Happy last year of coursework! :) Soon it will be Dr.!! Hang in there! :)

 

by

Moving forward

Moving forward seems like it should be easy but it is not…at least not as easy as our minds and hearts want it to be. However, it is our reality…we (individually) have to walk through making a new reality…a reality with out our loved one. And no matter what any one tells you..there is no time/date/etc. that works for everyone. Some might need months, other years…and others it will come and go. Some days alright, some days really sad…and some days just blah! The reality is we all deal with our loss…individually!

I think sometimes that is the hardest concept of acceptance. It is hard because it is so individualized..no one is the same!! Today, partly to help mend my heart and partly because my Precious went to the vet today and we were told she was almost obese (she weights 13.5 pounds) and needs to go on a diet.  I went to the pet store to see what wet food/diet food options that they had so we can get an idea of what we are going to do. The place we went…was doing dog and cat adoptions. Some of the dogs were cute..and others were great dogs but just didn’t tug at my heart. I did find one little thing, an adorable 2 yr old Norfolk Terrier/Lhapso (?) mix that needed some love. We walked her, hugged on her, played with her, and got some doggy kisses. She was so sweet and such a gem. I hated she didn’t have a home…maybe …we will see…she was a doll but who knows…we are just not sure yet.

I rested today…I took a 3hr nap…which means I am still up now..well past midnight. But the good news is I am trucking along with homework! YAY!! I am going to do a little more before I head to bed. I want to make sure to make it to service tomorrow. I want to be surrounded by friends and new family when we mark the one week since Molly. It has been one rough week!

I added Vitamin C and Zinc to my number ( and yes NUMBER) of pills that I take. I think my body can use the extra boost..being drained emotionally can cause an additional physical drain. And with an intense summer load (Multivariate Stats and Internship) I do not want to get sick!!!! That would be sooo bad! So here is to crossing fingers that I don’t get a cold this semester! PLEASE NO COLD!!!  Goodness, Rheumatoid Arthritis, Lupus, and Fibromyalgia are enough!!! It all goes back to balance right :)

 

by

First Class Day

You know you would think after nearly 10 straight years of post-secondary education (first semester of college was Fall 2003) that I would be getting tired of the first day of the semester.  At least I thought I would be tired…goodness knows, I’m setting myself up for more sleepless nights..more papers and homework…and yes the lovely stress. But still, part of me gets rejuvenated seeing my syllabus, knowing what needs done this semester, and mentally I prepare myself to get it done so I can have one more semester behind me.

This summer semester (my second to last summer semester EVER…unless I pursue another EdD or PhD) I am taking multivariate statistics and my educational leadership internship. I will be doing an advanced statistics projects (WOOHOO) and learning several advanced statistical analysis. I have to work on learning how to interpret as well as run the sets in SPSS. Then for my internship project, I am going to be working one-on-one with a professor to learn the in and outs about the life of being a professor. I think it will be very eye-opening as well help me be more prepared for the getting a tenure position after graduation.

I made it through today focused on my homeowork and classes….it was not the easiest day but I am happy I was able to focus on things. I find myself glancing at the phone…the vet should be calling tomorrow or Monday letting us know that Molly’s remains are ready for me to pick up. I found a spot for her in my office…at least until I know place to spread her ashes. I really hope they took molds of all her paws if they could…but I will be happy with what I can get. It still hurts so bad to come home to a quiet house….I miss her bubbly jumping around me when I get home and I really miss our cuddle time at night.

Time…time heals! Grief is something you feel for any loss and yet the only way to heal…is time. To hurt, to cry and to mourn and then to pick up and move forward. That is what I keep telling myself. And I’m telling myself that especially because of my Rheumatoid Arthritis, Lupus and Fibromyalgia I have to be even more careful to rest (as much as possible) and make some me time. I will be tempted to work, work, work but I need to make sure to take my nap, rest and get sleep. Will I heal??? Yes, the grief and the pain will not keep me down…I will still finish. But in order to do that I have to remember…ME is important.

But I know I am not alone, there are many out there who have messaged me they are handling/dealing with their own grief. The loss of their spouse, fiancee, daughter, sister, nephew, mother, grandparents, and like me a loved furry child. I pray that you all find a little more peace tonight as we go through this grief journey together. For those of you like me…also battling an invisible illness..I pray that you grief, you balance your life…and that physical and emotional pain is a little less tomorrow.

Hugs! #spoons #spoonie #squeakers

 

by

Yes….it is real

Time feels as if it has slowed down to just a crawl. It feels like yesterday that we were woken to a phone call…that changed our world. We have since come home…I am at this very minute sitting in my office. I’m contemplating the last few days..the house feels sooo lonely. The girls, Precious and Pepper, can sense something is off. Precious cried all around the house…Pepper cried as she curled up on all the pets favorite spot on the couch.

When I walked inside the house yesterday, it broke my heart to collect Molly’s toys…and to pick up her bed. The blankets still smelled like her…I smiled as I thought of her running all over the house. Jumping on our bed…following me around the house. I walked through the house and caught myself glancing behind me…like I used to..to see if she was behind me…she wasn’t.

I slept last night curled up next to two large stuffed animals. It helped the pain a little bit but they weren’t as warm as she was….nor did they jump up and down the bed…licking my ears because they wanted to get up. The ache hurts my heart…it makes me wish I could just rewind time (don’t we all right). I wished all Sunday to get a phone call explaining the mistake….but that phone call did not come.

This morning, hubby and I went to the vet.  We picked out a pretty white (ivory) urn for Molly. She will be individually cremated (gosh didn’t know there were so many decisions to make) and then returned to us within a week. I think I will keep her in my office…at least until we find a perfect spot to let her ashes go. We also asked for molds to be made of her paws. They are going to have those returned to us next week.

Most of last night I battled with…do I want to see her. Part of my mind keeps replaying just seeing her bound across the high way…and that car hitting her so hard. I don’t think she suffered, the vet believes she died instantly..I hope she didn’t even know what hit her. But part of me still wanted to see her one more time…to hold her one more time…to kiss her and tell her I loved her one more time. But then part of me didn’t want to remember her that way….I wanted to remember her as she was to me…bouncy, loving, running around the house..and being the perfect little angel. In the end, today I couldn’t bring myself to see her as she was left. I will keep the image of her happy self in my mind and when her ashes are returned, at least that will close our relationship with the vet’s office…and we can start to heal.

I have lost pets in my life  growing up as a kid. But you know now…knowing with my Rheumatoid Arthritis, Lupus, and Fibromylgia…we have decided kids are not in our future. The risks/the meds…we have now made our furry kids our kids. We have made Precious, Pepper and Molly our little kids that are always at home when we get home. And it tears my heart that I lost one of my babies.

Some have said…well she is just a dog…but she was more than just a dog to me, to us. She was a bundle of joy…and it ripped my heart out to hear that she was gone.

As can be expected my Fibromyalgia and Rheumatoid Arthritis have flared. But I added some vitamin C and Zinc to my diet. I hope that helps me. And today I took off work to go to the vet’s office, rest, and try to prepare myself emotionally for this week. Classes are beginning…as of Thursday. I have so much to do. Do we have time to grieve…no we never have time to grieve. Do we have to grieve? Yes we have to hurt, we have to ache, we have to cry, and we have to scream….we have to in order to heal.

Healing doesn’t happen overnight…healing takes days…months…years…a lifetime. My Dad died 5 years and 1 month to the day that Molly died. Even though it was 5 years and 1 month ago…I felt my loss of my Dad so much while I felt the loss of Molly. You never truly forget…or heal…but I believe that you can get to a point where you can smile again.

Will my life stop? No it won’t…I will get to class on Monday..I will focus..I will right…I will finish this dream and one day…Lord willing be Dr. Tucker. But I will still hurt and I will still carry the memories of my Dad and my perfect little angel. Both are gone too soon…but I will take what I learned and felt with them to become a better doctor, a better professor, a better researcher, and a better advocator.

To the many who have emailed, texted, messaged, and replied your condolences for my loss. Thank you! It helped me so much on Sunday to know we were not alone in our grief. Your words helped us,your prayers are carrying us.

Thank you for listening, thank you for understanding!

Molly, you gave us joy…you gave us life…you kept us going around the house. You were so perfect for me and Matt. We grew together with you as a our middle child.  You were just learning to go to the bathroom outside when you were told (FINALLY)…I think God is appreciating that. I loved your tricks, I loved your dresses, I loved how you came running as soon as I was in the door (wow Wed. nights are going to suck..you won’t be waiting for me), and you were always following me around the house. I came to expect you in bed with me, to watch me in the bathroom, to sitting next to me in the office, and your pouncing on me when I sat on the couch. I miss you angel. I love you so much!

 

PSS Precious and Pepper say they love you and miss you!

 

IMG_4772 IMG_4773 20130526-112700.jpg 20121229-112903.jpg

 

by

Preparing

Do you ever feel like you have to plan your life because of your RA or Fibro??? I so do!!! I know that some days I won’t have energy…some days I might only have a little energy. Because of that I have recognized the importance to planning. For me that means working through breaks so I’m ahead. And learning to have a RA/Fibro academic LIFESTYLE!!!

My dream is to finish my doctorate and go straight into an academic professor position. To get that job….I have to work now to make major strides. But I have to keep always in my focus the I will be doing this with some other things to account for—my invisible needs! Does this mean I cannot do it??? Not at al! This means I will have to plan, work hard, and rest! Balance!

I really focused on that today because I went to bed about 1a.m….and made it out of bed close to 12p.m.. I slept and I rested. I have a lot on my to do list but my biggest to do is to take care of myself. The Imuran is wearing me out…major fatigue and tummy issues…but I’m pushing on!

by

Focus

I just want to encourage you tonight, if you are like me ..maybe you are up flaring…and hurting! I know the pain seems never ending. In fact, the pain sometimes feels just awful! But I want to encourage you to focus on something positive. Focus on something good!

Tonight through our pain…I hope some good comes out of it! It might be difficult but let’s try!!!

by

An US Day :)

Matt and I decided we would take an US day and drive up to the George Bush Presidential Library. I had always wanted to go and decided that despite the drive we would make a day of it. I really enjoyed myself even though it was exhausting. I figured I could sit at home feeling gross and in pain or I could sit in the car and then walk around for a little bit. I was glad I went even though (AS USUAL) I am paying for it today :(

Imuran and I are not friends yet. Def. exhausted beyond exhausted and just feeling rotten. I’m still on a loading dose, the full dose will start within another week. Right before I go into my statistics two class YAY!! NOT!!!

Here are some pictures of our day :)

 

IMG_4708 IMG_4707 IMG_4702 IMG_4700 IMG_4697 IMG_4695 IMG_4689 IMG_4686 IMG_4683 IMG_4679 IMG_4678 IMG_4675 IMG_4674 IMG_4671 IMG_4664 IMG_4662 IMG_4658 IMG_4657 IMG_4655 IMG_4652 IMG_4647 IMG_4643 IMG_4641 IMG_4639 IMG_4638 IMG_4631 IMG_4622

by

Change….

I went for my 3 month appt with my rheumatologist. I was happy to see her especially because I have struggled with the Arava side effects. After a short discussion, she told she recommended seeing an additional specialist and she wanted me to stop taking Arava and move to Imuran.

I can say that appointment was not everything I wanted it to be. I walked away on two new things (Biotin 5000mg and Biotene mouthwash) and Imuran. I’ve taken two of my loading doses……def not good. I feel like I have mono hung over. I’m hoping this eases but one major positive is that I’m not I’m classes this week! Yes!

I laughed when the pharmacist was like….live in a bubble!!!! Hahahahahha I am like how??? But we are praying this new med helps! I’m seeing more doctors on Friday! Yay!! But a good thing, I’m highlighting my hair to help perk me up!

And since I’m bouncing everywhere tonight…Maybe it is just me but sometimes this journey feels sooo lonely! I texted someone after my doctors appointment and the response was “k.” Simple…nothing else…I guess I expected more from this person. It just further makes me sense that sometimes this painful life is lonely. So many people don’t get our journey. But yet we can still find those few and far between gems.

I found someone who I have actually never met. But she encourages me so much, we are on the same journey. I know this week she and I (within a day) started new meds. To be able to text someone and they get it….amazing!!

If you know someone who is on this RA/Lupus/ Fibromyalgia (or another invisible illness) be understanding, be supportive, be encouraging and above all listen. We desperately need people who understand and encourage us.

If you have an invisible illness (RA/Lupus/Fibromyalgia) be encouraged to share and connect. I always love meeting new people. Thank you for all who encourage me! You are truly awesome!

by

One word!

One word comes to mind….PAIN!!!! My body has been wracked with major flares these past few weeks….these last few days have been the worst. Just touching my skin brings shear pain :( not sure if all the pushing this semester finally caught up to me…or just the weather etc. On top of that my allergies/sinuses have been acting up…yes not fun!!!!

That said it did mange to drag myself out of bed for some major appointments this weekend. I went to Ulta and had a keratin treatment put in. My hair is falling out so bad (thanks Arava), I started taking folic acid. But I was told an intense keratin treatment might help. Why not try??? So I did. Then I sat and watched my hubby test for his blue belt in Kuk Sool Won! I was not going to miss a test. The chairs were soooo painful…my hips were killing me…but I made it through. To reward myself I changed up my nail color (pics soon)!

Then I went home and slept….yet I woke up feeling exhausted. Have you had mono before?? That is how I felt (I have chronic mono…maybe it was acting up again). I am getting a lot of blood work this week….eeekk the vampire people again! Praying my veins hold up!!!! Thanks to Arava my veins are brittle and tend to blow often!

Hugs and spoons as I close! Don’t give up on your dreams…focus through the searing torturous pain! I wish I knew why we had to suffer…I don’t! But stick through it and we can still make a life for ourselves! Your #spoonie #squeaker friend :)