Tag Archives: Conditions and Diseases

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And then there came

And then there came a COLD!!! UGH!!  I hate hate hate colds. I started sneezing a lot yesterday and feeling my nose all stuffy. I thought it was because I missed my allergy medicine but NOOO! :( I woke up today feeling so rotten. The worst thing was I missed a party last night because I hoped and prayed that my feeling gross would stop with a nice long nap. Well it didn’t :( !!! ARGH!! Don’t you hate it when the colds just sneak up on you :(

So anyways….I’m spending my night taking NyQuil Cold and Flu and hoping I can feel better by tomorrow when I have to go to work. :( Nothing like going to work with a cold but I hate missing work. And I think the office will be quiet at least a little quieter than normal …hopefully. Starting Tuesday I get to talk to our orientation students!!! I’m excited, I get to share with them a bit more about my Honors College that I work for :) I will be talking to probably anywhere from 50 – 100 kids every Tuesday now through August! I love the idea…and it gives me more experience talking in front of strangers :) With some practice…I should be really good by the end :P

And tonight was one of the nights I am VERY THANKFUL I work ahead. I was not able to do much homework last night or today. In fact, I missed my usual writing time last night. I am usually in my office writing every night form about 7/8 until 1a.m. But last night I was in bed! Tonight I finished reading one chapter of my statistic (Whoop!) and now finishing up here. I might get one smaller thing done but I’m thinking I will probably head to bed.  Tomorrow,  I will take a nap and hope to work ahead a little bit more.

Future things for this week include creating a graduation and application timeline, typing up a research agenda, and researching universities. I also have to work on two conference proposals.  Plus study for classes! LOL! This cold needs to MOVE ON!! So I can get stuff done!!

I’m praying that your pain has eased some this weekend. Cold or no cold…I’m working on smiling and relaxing before the weekend ends!

 

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All part of Rheumatoid Arthritis/Lupus/Fibromyaglia

Can you remember when you were young? Are there any memories that you go….wow oh how I wish I could do that again?? I remember crawling into my daddies lap! I remember the first cat I ever got. I remember climbing mountains (you see a lot of mountains growing up in Honduras). I remember being terrified to walk down a mountain side .So many memories of growing up in Honduras. For some reason, today I just mulled over those memories.

Maybe it is because this year marks 10 years since I came to this country as a scared…naive…immature (mature in some things, very immature in others) 16 year university freshman. Being so young on a college campus, I worked so hard to break into some social circles..to gain the respect that comes with education and experience. And now I look at myself. On the exterior…I hope that people see a strong, determined, persuasive, educated, talented and outgoing young woman (and future doctor). I know most people don’t see the interior daily pain, the sickness from the auto immune suppressant medicine (currently Imuran) or the rest of the struggles inside.

I know a few days ago I posted about winning an academy. It is sad that sometimes I feel as if I want people to see the real inside (the daily pain, the daily struggle to get out of bed, the Fibro fog, etc.). But that is scary too…what would some people think? Would it take promotions away…would it compromise what other people think of my abilities? These are just some of the thoughts and struggles that I have…maybe you have them to. I don’t want to be viewed as a disease. I don’t want people to see only my pain, my physical and emotional pain. But yet at the same time, I dislike people not knowing because it feels as if the REAL me they are missing out on. So that balance is just another balance that I am learning to handle. I am learning to let people see the true me yet at the same time…protecting the true me (in some ways….or so it feels).

I think most recently part of that struggle…that balance…and what has made me think about this is because I lost Molly. How many of us have a significant pain/struggle….but when you think about it…how many others around you know? How many others are supporting you through it? No, I’m not saying tell your story all the time to every one…but I have seen the value of sharing our lives face to face with other people. Why? Because you never know what they are going through…something you experienced..they might need to know that information. Something you felt/saw/heard/did..it might help them.

So yes it is a balance..but don’t be afraid to share your story. Let’s not be afraid to share who we really truly are…and our struggle. But to share it in a way that lets the world see …we might be battling invisible diseases…but we are STRONG, DETERMINED, CAPABLE, and INTELLIGENT men and women who can still change the world.

I say these things because maybe you are new to the world of Fibromyalgia or Rheumatoid Arthritis or Lupus (or maybe like me you have all three!). But despite being new to the world…I want you to know you can still be someone. I am in a way a newbie…my diagnosis came in 2010. Since then I have battled 4 (now on my 5th) auto-immune suppressant medication.

Does it suck to take oral chemotherapy medication!!!! OH MY GOSH YES!!! Does it make you feel gross, beyond exhausted, and maybe even your hair is falling out a bunch (like mine). But hang in there! Don’t give up…trust me I will be sharing what I learn on this journey. I hope it helps make others journey a little easier!

 

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Yes….it is real

Time feels as if it has slowed down to just a crawl. It feels like yesterday that we were woken to a phone call…that changed our world. We have since come home…I am at this very minute sitting in my office. I’m contemplating the last few days..the house feels sooo lonely. The girls, Precious and Pepper, can sense something is off. Precious cried all around the house…Pepper cried as she curled up on all the pets favorite spot on the couch.

When I walked inside the house yesterday, it broke my heart to collect Molly’s toys…and to pick up her bed. The blankets still smelled like her…I smiled as I thought of her running all over the house. Jumping on our bed…following me around the house. I walked through the house and caught myself glancing behind me…like I used to..to see if she was behind me…she wasn’t.

I slept last night curled up next to two large stuffed animals. It helped the pain a little bit but they weren’t as warm as she was….nor did they jump up and down the bed…licking my ears because they wanted to get up. The ache hurts my heart…it makes me wish I could just rewind time (don’t we all right). I wished all Sunday to get a phone call explaining the mistake….but that phone call did not come.

This morning, hubby and I went to the vet.  We picked out a pretty white (ivory) urn for Molly. She will be individually cremated (gosh didn’t know there were so many decisions to make) and then returned to us within a week. I think I will keep her in my office…at least until we find a perfect spot to let her ashes go. We also asked for molds to be made of her paws. They are going to have those returned to us next week.

Most of last night I battled with…do I want to see her. Part of my mind keeps replaying just seeing her bound across the high way…and that car hitting her so hard. I don’t think she suffered, the vet believes she died instantly..I hope she didn’t even know what hit her. But part of me still wanted to see her one more time…to hold her one more time…to kiss her and tell her I loved her one more time. But then part of me didn’t want to remember her that way….I wanted to remember her as she was to me…bouncy, loving, running around the house..and being the perfect little angel. In the end, today I couldn’t bring myself to see her as she was left. I will keep the image of her happy self in my mind and when her ashes are returned, at least that will close our relationship with the vet’s office…and we can start to heal.

I have lost pets in my life  growing up as a kid. But you know now…knowing with my Rheumatoid Arthritis, Lupus, and Fibromylgia…we have decided kids are not in our future. The risks/the meds…we have now made our furry kids our kids. We have made Precious, Pepper and Molly our little kids that are always at home when we get home. And it tears my heart that I lost one of my babies.

Some have said…well she is just a dog…but she was more than just a dog to me, to us. She was a bundle of joy…and it ripped my heart out to hear that she was gone.

As can be expected my Fibromyalgia and Rheumatoid Arthritis have flared. But I added some vitamin C and Zinc to my diet. I hope that helps me. And today I took off work to go to the vet’s office, rest, and try to prepare myself emotionally for this week. Classes are beginning…as of Thursday. I have so much to do. Do we have time to grieve…no we never have time to grieve. Do we have to grieve? Yes we have to hurt, we have to ache, we have to cry, and we have to scream….we have to in order to heal.

Healing doesn’t happen overnight…healing takes days…months…years…a lifetime. My Dad died 5 years and 1 month to the day that Molly died. Even though it was 5 years and 1 month ago…I felt my loss of my Dad so much while I felt the loss of Molly. You never truly forget…or heal…but I believe that you can get to a point where you can smile again.

Will my life stop? No it won’t…I will get to class on Monday..I will focus..I will right…I will finish this dream and one day…Lord willing be Dr. Tucker. But I will still hurt and I will still carry the memories of my Dad and my perfect little angel. Both are gone too soon…but I will take what I learned and felt with them to become a better doctor, a better professor, a better researcher, and a better advocator.

To the many who have emailed, texted, messaged, and replied your condolences for my loss. Thank you! It helped me so much on Sunday to know we were not alone in our grief. Your words helped us,your prayers are carrying us.

Thank you for listening, thank you for understanding!

Molly, you gave us joy…you gave us life…you kept us going around the house. You were so perfect for me and Matt. We grew together with you as a our middle child.  You were just learning to go to the bathroom outside when you were told (FINALLY)…I think God is appreciating that. I loved your tricks, I loved your dresses, I loved how you came running as soon as I was in the door (wow Wed. nights are going to suck..you won’t be waiting for me), and you were always following me around the house. I came to expect you in bed with me, to watch me in the bathroom, to sitting next to me in the office, and your pouncing on me when I sat on the couch. I miss you angel. I love you so much!

 

PSS Precious and Pepper say they love you and miss you!

 

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DONE!!!

It is such a great feeling to say that SPRING 2013 is DONE!! The last paper has been submitted to my professor…final grades are to be posted by the 13th…and now I can come home tomorrow and say I”m done! :) My goal is to rest for a few days…to regain some of my energy and then back into the research I go. I have to prep a study for publication and conduct a few more statistical analysis. And then I am prepping this study to go on to round two. I also want to find some good quantitative studies for a secondary analysis project. So yes a lot of things to do but it is nice to do it on my schedule and not on a time table for class.

The summer holds a second round of statistics and an internship class. Both will  keep me pretty busy but I hope that they both won’t be as hard as my first summer in the doctoral program. Boy was that rough! If I keep my nose in the books….I should be ok… I hope!!

I am proud to say I’ve finished this semester…despite the Rheumatoid Arthritis and Fibromyalgia. You know the days that are so hard to get up…the days that just getting dressed and brushing my hair…those days where just doing those small things is just unbearable. The lack of sleep…the studying…it is good to know that it is worth it. This time next year I will be finishing my VERY LAST class! YES my very last classes of more than 10 years of studying! WOOHOO!! That is a major plus…that is what keeps me going!

So tonight I am off to rest and relax…so very thankful that I managed to finish this round of classes! I did not do it alone… I did it through the love and support of my husband, my closest friends…and of course my Molly, Precious and Pepper! If you think because you have RA and Fibro that you cannot have a life…you are mistaken. It will not be the life you want…it will be a painful life…but if can be a life that you still accomplish your dreams. One slow step at a time! I encourage you to remain focused on something that gets you up in the morning! The days you feel so alone (because yes we ALL have them) seek out a friend (email me) and get through that dark hard day. We can still change the world! We will change the world despite our INVISIBLE ILLNESS!!

#spoonie, #squeaker, #fighter, #Icandothis! And much more! Tonight is to us…we all fought this road together…congrats to finishing this semester, these past few months, the past few years…lets see what the summer holds for us!

 

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Home Again!!

It is is soo nice to be home and sleep in my own bed. Although I don’t know why but for some reason I kept thinking that today was Monday or Tuesday..not Wednesday. It is amazing how a change in your routine really makes it difficult. Tomorrow thought will be my last “full” day of work for this week YAY!! And the good news is that tomorrow will be a slow day. I can sleep in late and leave work early in the afternoon. So I can sleep in and take a nap!

My goal for tomorrow is to rest and work on getting my paper written…I have to add the preliminary themes. Then I will work on getting into a few more classes this summer to see what students might tell me using my same interview questions. I definitely want to encourage credibility and rigor within my study.

That said, I am home from my last class of this semester! YAY! I have to turn in my paper by next Wednesday (so I have a week) and then I have an awards banquet on Friday. Then to work on my first study some more, I want to get two conference proposals ready before the summer begins. Yes a busy few weeks but I am hoping to enjoy some down time too.

I’m off to rest…my body is in a major flare. Too much going on I guess! Hugs and spoons! :)

 

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Hang In There

Wow what a week! The good news is that I am getting into a NEW research project but I am also trying to finish two projects and research on a third project.  YES STRESSFUL! But the good thing is that I am REALLY learning time management. Today I had to come home and take a five hour nap after my meetings because my body was sooo tired. And I have had a major Fibromyalgia flare since earlier this week. I hate how even my fingers throb with pain. The fatigue is bad and then it feels like every touch, even my clothes, bring stabbing pain.

I was reminded today of how great it will feel one day to be pain free! For me that means the day I move from this earth into a heavenly body (if science does not find a cure/treatment before then). That might sound sad but you know honestly it is so great to have faith. My faith keeps me going and I am holding onto that faith today as I remind myself….take a breath, organize, and keep focused.

I am so amazed by the opportunities in my life, the opportunity to share my story, the opportunity to develop myself academically, and the ability to develop into a more mature young woman. Do I wish I did not have Rheumatoid Arthritis and Lupus…combine with Fibro… HECK YES! But I  am happy that I am using those for good.

My goal is to finish this last (or maybe not) degree by May 2015. Will that take a lot, A LOT , or work…HECK YES! But do I think I can do it…I will do my very very very best! I will stay focused, I will not be strayed…I will give it my all!

So back to the books I go! Hang in there…focus, breath, sleep, rest, relax, and stay focused!  WE GOT THIS!!

 

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Goodnight Sunday..Hello Monday!

It is 11:57p.m. Sunday night is ending…and Monday is beginning. I woke up today finally feeling better….although I will for sure be taking Clariten tomorrow (and for a few weeks)

Have a great Monday, as it is 11:58 p.m. I hope that we focus our minds into thinking of some positives for tomorrow. Like hopefully tomorrow my nose won’t be stuffy. Hopefully tomorrow my Rheumatoid Arthritis, Lupus, and Fibromylagia will be in check and I won’t hurt so bad!

It is 11:59p.m. now think about things that you want to work on to make YOUR LIFE BETTER! I want to  be a bit more patient, I want to be more thoughtful of others, and I want to smile a lot more!

As Sunday winds down to a close, I hope this week is amazing.

Hi 12:00:00a.m. HAPPY MONDAY!!!

 

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Getting there

I am thankful to say that I am getting over my cold. Two days of rest has done wonders, that and Tylenol Cold and Flu!!! I am hoping to be back at work tomorrow and thank goodness I only have one class!!!! That means tomorrow night I will be able to get home earlier, YAY!!! So another perk. I hope to get off work about the same time, and then I will be able to rest some before class. I cannot believe the semester is going to be over soon, just a few more weeks and the term will be over. I just keep repeating to myself, finish strong! This time of the semester is the most stressful for me because final projects are due. But I’m reminding myself that I have to focus, and just take it one step at a time.

For my personality, I will say I have grown into the idea of setting myself up time to do things. In that, I am planning ahead and working hard to stay ahead. That way if I need a night to sleep I have it. Or if I need a weekend to decompress I can take that weekend with out stressing out the next week. I will say this bought of a cold has been the easiest one (knock on wood) this semester. I think I can attribute a lot of that to having learned and immediately I took time to rest.

I’m a hard learner but I will say eventually I get things. But today I made use of my day at home. I woke up and completed three transcriptions of my interview. Now I am ready for the data analysis stage!! YAY!! I’m excited!!

Now off to prep for a meeting and then to an early bed. Thank you for checking in on me :)

 

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A Restful Weekend

How is your weekend going?? Mine week was crazy! Monday night I was at a dissertation workshop….it was stressful…scary but also very interesting. I find it much easier to do something when I know ahead a time. Yes I am a planner!!! Then Tuesday I was nervously trying to prepare for my presentation on Wednesday. Wednesday morning, I was very nervous but remembered that I had been preparing this presentation for over a month. I was as ready as I could be to teach on my chapter. Class went well and once I felt comfortable up in front of the class things went smoothly. I really wanted my cohort to have a better understanding of ethnic identity and acculturation. It is something many of us need to know about. So then Thursday flew by because it was one of those crazy days at work. I worked late into the night in my office, Molly doing her bests to stay occupied. She was a little bored of my study life :P

Friday I rested a lot, probably more than I should have but it had been such a busy week.  I did get out and enjoy a hockey game, sadly we lost, but it was still a lot of fun. Today though my plan is to write, write, write….I want to get a lot done! Great goal right! I have realize that we can plan, plan, plan but sometimes (many times) things do not work that way in life.

I was also wonderfully surprised last night by being notified I was admitted to doctoral candidacy. I almost cried…last year was soooo rough. I thought when I started working on my doctorate that I was prepared. That I could totally handle the study load…but you know (and you can read those blogs) last year was tough. Probably the toughest thing I had ever done. But now I realize it was worth it. It was worth the pain, the tears, the sleepless nights.  Why?? Because I am one step closer to being done. One step closer to saying that I successfully finished a doctorate program WHILE at the same time living with Rheumatoid Arthritis, Lupus, and Fibromyalgia.  I’m still amazed I have kept going….but you know I also realize my strength, confidence, and determination comes first from my faith and second from my dad. I want to make my dad proud, I know he won’t see me graduate but I hope that he would still in some way be proud of my accomplishments.  First and foremost my faith though has kept me going, I do not think  I could face my day to day journey with out my faith.

Living in pain, daily torturous pain….is so hard. Goodness it gets soooo sooo sooo old! And I think the hardest part is people do not get because they cannot see it. I think my constant prayer is that more people open their eyes to see my invisible pain. It would help that is for sure!! But off I go to do more homework :) Enjoy a wonderful Easter weekend.

 

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Getting Through the Day

Sometimes my first thought some mornings is…how in the world am I making it through today.  Kinda sad right but for me…mornings are so rough. The pain and the fibro fog ….make it just an act of congress to move out of my warm bed (typically because I probably just fell asleep!!).  But I do get up and I push myself to focus, to drive to work, to do homework, and to function.  But I can definitely feel myself doing much better afternoon..and much better in the evenings. Kind of an odd thought but I could not help but wonder…what would the day be like if it always started at noon! :P

If you are curious to know even more of my randomness, check out my facebook page http://www.facebook.com/stlralf (support those living with rheumatoid arthritis, lupus and fibromyalgia). I love the acronym RALF :P It is just random highlights from my day, sometimes they are pretty funny…depending on how insane my fibro fog is. :)

Off to go do more things today! Hugs!