Tag Archives: death

As I Lay Sneezing

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Sneezing…ugh I hate sneezing! Today the pollen/allergies have been sooooo bad. My nose was soo stopped up and now I am sneezing a lot! UGH! If  I am getting another cold I’m going to be REALLY mad. I know I have been around really sick people this week…please Lord don’t let me get sick!!!

Today was one of those days that I was sooo stressed. It seemed like everything that could go wrong did go wrong! It was truthfully one of those days where I wanted to crawl back into bed as soon as my eyes opened. My first thought today when I woke up was “gosh my elbows hurt” and no kidding you they did hurt. I could barely move my arms up and down and around. Trust me putting on my mascara was NOT fun! And I finally realized what was probably affecting me more than anything today….in a week from today I will mark five years since my daddy died. It does not seem like it has been five years…it feels like it was yesterday. I caught myself looking at his pictures this week and tears welling up in my eyes. Gosh Daddy you have missed so much….and it still seems so unfair. I find it hard to believe that five years ago I was beginning your very last week of life. You didn’t know me, you hurt so much…but I was there by your side. Watching and waiting…praying  that your pain would ease. It did….a week from today.

That said I’m making progress in my research YAY!!!! And I am enjoying it…pray with me (or think of me) I am working on a proposal and I really want it to go through. If it doesn’t oh well I have not lost anything that’s for sure. But it would be really cool!

And such awesome news…this time next week I am packing for SAN FRANCISCO!!! I have never been west…farther than Texas. I am flying into San Diego and on into San Fran. I am soooo freaking excited to fly and see the west coast. I cannot wait to do some sightseeing!!! YES I am counting down!! Rheumatoid Arthritis, Lupus, and Fibromyalgia you are not getting the best of me. I am going to enjoy myself in San Fran.

So yes as I lay SNEEZING I hope that you have a great night tonight..the weekend will be here before you know it!! Many spoons!!

 

Four Years

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Four years ago this morning, I joined the “single parent” club. Now today I could not help but think back last night as the time drew closer to midnight. We knew around midnight four years ago that it would be the last night for my dad. We knew that his time had finally come, something we hated to think about, hated to acknowledge but unfortunately like many other things in life…we could not change it.

I can still remember walking across the mall area at school, I was a graduating senior…life was almost perfect. I was working on getting a new job and I could not for December to get here so I could graduate! It was about this time of the year actually and then my phone rang. Daddy said doctors were telling him they had found bladder cancer. I remember thinking right then, how would I live with out my daddy? Dad was confident that they could get everything with surgery. So that summer, he went through surgery and then Mom had to learn how to take care of him post-surgery. That was all that was supposed to happen. Doctors were “confident” they had “everything.”

I did not get to see Daddy  before, during, or right after surgery. I finished my semester and then I arranged to visit during August. I went up and enjoy a few days of seeing my parents again but I could not help but miss how tired my Daddy looked. He had lost so much weight . I saw them again and this time I brought with me a big surprise, my boyfriend ( and future husband) was going to get to meet my parents (finally).

Fast forward, Dad looked worse and worse but he made it to my college graduation! I was so proud, I caught Daddy’s eye as I walked down after receiving my “diploma.” It made my day for him to see me walk the stage! He was so tired he did not stay, it was a week or so away from Christmas…so I told him I would probably spend the holidays with my boyfriend and visit sometime in the spring.

I remember about a week or two later Daddy called, he said that I needed to prepare myself, this year would be his last Christmas. It was so hard to hear that, inside I hoped he was wrong…but deep down inside I knew he was not. I ran around getting some last minute small presents and I drove the 8hrs to my parents home. It was so hard to “celebrate” but we did our best…it was the FIRST Christmas that my sister and I had been home since we both left for college…it was truly bittersweet.

Dad found out right after the new year the news, stage four bone cancer. He did a few weeks of radiation but he knew it was just buying him time. By the time he went in hospice, I took off work to help my mom and sister. And then on April 25, 0500 Dad was gone.

Today I cannot believe how life has moved on, I do miss him much. Even know as I think back on him tears come to me eyes. But instead of grieving the father I lost four years ago, I focus on the memories I have today. I remember the good times, the smiles, the laughs and the life lessons.

For all of us who have lost a parent, it never gets easier but time does heal! And with every year that passes…a little more of the wound is covered. You may wonder does it ever stop hurting? No I don’t think so because they were part of us, part of what made us who we are today. So no I will never stop hurting but today, Daddy I will say I love and miss you!

Until I see you again, I love you!

DO IT NOW!

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When you login to Facebook and you see that a young high school student has died..it is heartbreaking! As a counselor, my heart breaks for those left behind. For the parents or siblings…how hard tonight has been or will be for them! For this person’s friends left behind….the questions and the heartache…it will not be easy!

If you think a friend is struggling…be there for them. If you see them posting on FB or some other social media site…make a call. It is better to be safe than sorry! Sometimes no matter what we do, we stilll lose someone…and it will still hurt! But if at all possible…we need to open our eyes to the real pain in this world. The pain that is not just physical but the emotional pain of our younger generation!

As I think of that loss I cannot help but remember that sooner than I know it will be four years for me. At 5:00a.m. Wednesday, April 25th! I wish I did not have class that night..will need extra prayers that night!

Anyways, do not wait! Make that call, send that text but most of all….OPEN YOUR EYES and HEART so that deaths like this…hopefully do not happen!

The hard days

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For us spoonies or squeakers some days are so hard! So hard because our bodies are not just our friends! Today was a day for me…I am seriously struggled to get through today because I hurt so bad. And of course when you hurt so bad, it tends to drain your emotions! You feel lonely because NO ONE (but fellow squeakers/spoonies) understand!

You sometimes want to scream because for one moment, one short moment, you just do not want to hurt! You want to know what it feels like again to get out of bed and not hurt. To shower and not struggle to open bottles of shampoo! You want to know what it is like to wake up, go to work, go to dinner, shop and hang out with your friends WITHOUT the feelings of CONSTANT exhaustion!

You want to look in the mirror and not see the weight gain (thank you steroids), the acne (again thank you steroids) and the hair problems (loss/dry—thank you autoimmune suppressants). You want to feel NORMAL! You want to feel happy, care-free, PAIN FREE!

I know for me, my normal has become pain! Intense daily pain…many days it brings tears to my eyes…..because I am too young…we are all too young to live our lives like this! But you want to know the one thing that perked me up today….Today what perked me up was when I got to hold the hand of someone who is walking in the very last weeks (maybe even days) of her life here on this earth.

So despite my frustration, my anger, or my complete exhaustion…I am glad I pulled myself out of bed today to go visit her! Strange how when you go to give to someone else..you end up being blessed in the process!

Day #2 – Genocide Memorial, Reconcilliation Village and Hotel Rwanda

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Monday was an exceptionally busy day! We started at the usual 7:00a.m. and actually we did not get back to the hotel until after 9:00p.m. We loaded up on the busy on our way to the Reconciliation Village. The night before we had watched “As  We Forgive” (http://youtu.be/mK0W4jx2OZY) at our hotel conference room. You watch the story of the country play before your eyes…you cannot help but be overcome. The very streets we walked on, one day was covered in bodies. The smell of the country had to be the smell of death. The people we talk to or the people we pass on a daily basis…fell into one of two categories ….survivors or perpetrators. The families of both sides unmistakable marred for life.

The question that many times was asked this week….how did you forgive..or have you forgiven. I believe the Bishop John said it well when we said that the Rwandan people have to learn to accept responsibility for their actions in the past but to not let those actions affect their future. I have been asked to share what I felt happened in this country….the only words that come to mind is that Satan descended into this country. Why? Because there is no other explanation for the atrocities that happened there. What people did to people, there are no words to describe it other than pure demonic. If you have another word…or another reason why…I would love to talk to you about it!

We stopped at this church on the way to the Reconciliation Village (I will tell you more about that name), the first thing you see at any Genocide Memorial is the purple/white colors banded together. But let me go back, yes I said a church. A church, a holy place..a place of God..in a church at this location over 5,000 men, women and innocent children were slaughtered. While I will not share with you the stories we heard, I will share with you that it was heart wrenching to walk in to this place of God and see skulls, bones, the bloodied walls, the blood stained clothes and the personal items left behind. This was not the only church…there were MANY churches that became slaughter houses because the Tutsi’s ran there for safety and protection and instead found themselves corralled for a slaughter.

I was touched by the beautiful garden that was next to this place. I tried to think about what it had looked like back then and compared to what it is now. There was hate and anger such few years ago….today there is hurt, pain but a hope for reconciliation. A hope to move forward from the physical scars….a hope to heal from the pain.

 

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Day #1 Continued – Kiboga Village

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We went to a cool restaurant for lunch and then afterwards we headed to our first village. This village was the Kiboga (Widows) Village, created post genocide for the women who were left widowed with a few surviving family members. It took us a while to get there but we enjoyed spending some time listening to their stories, watching the kids and taking in that all of these women had suffered such a loss.

There was a water well there too, a couple in VA had paid the $15,000 to dig a deep water well. It provided this village with water saving their kids an estimated 5hr hike for water. Could you imagine spending most of your day hauling water?  That is what these women and children do….and you wonder why the kids can never go to school. They are responsible for helping their mom get water, so education is pushed down the ladder of priorities.

The houses were so bare, lacking the family portraits that are so common in US homes. These women really did not have much at all but they smiled so beautifully! You have to ask yourself…how can these women smile after what they experienced? How do these women wake up every morning after they experienced such horror. I could see the effects of HIV/AIDS in several of the women and the children….it breaks your heart to see that these women are tied to the genocide even now 17 years later.

The kids were precious, you cannot really put into words watching kids just be engaged with you because you speak another language or because you have things they have not seen before. To open the kids up we had colors and coloring books.  Many had never colored so that was fun. A small group of us were able to break off and go with translators to the homes. I was touched by how you were always created with a hug and warm handshake.  You absolutely cannot find such warmth in the US, in fact if you were to drive into a new town you would probably be stared at or ignored. It is sad how far America has come, you really have to search to find a place where you are created so warmly.

We were at the village until late, talking and learning from these women. They have strength I hope to one day have, strength to face tomorrow despite how awful the day before has been. We have so much to learn from this population, they have sustained a horrific past but are working so hard to have a hopeful and promising future.

We made it back to the Bloom Hotel in time for dinner and time to  spend in our de-brief groups. I then stayed up talking with my roommate before we finally called it quits. We were tired and jet-lagged but ready to get out into more villages..what we did not know was what Day #2 would have in store for us. It would be something that probably none of us will ever forget.