Tag Archives: Determination

Barbara Jackson Memory

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I was sad to learn that Dr. Jackson died on Thursday afternoon, we were her last cohort selected during her life. Such an honor to carry on her legacy through the generations to come. I learned A LOT at this conference, and  I am still learning! I am learning how tough this life is going to be with RA/Lupus/Fibro….I was amazed at how much energy a conference takes!!! Seriously so much pain and now sickness!

This choice of career is rewarding, amazing, but wow gosh….someone said they would rather do a residency (MD) that go for the PhD/EdD! While I do not know how true that is (and I doubt we can compare) I was shocked!

It is so tough living with an invisible disease, from the side effects of the drugs, to the fatigue, exhaustion, pain and frustration of limitations…it is like WOW! We have  a different life! Our new normal…is tough but I am THANKFUL that for today…I can still do what I love.

Honestly, I have more than many I know! I can still walk, and go to work! I can still go to class and work in my research. I treasure those blessings because one day I might not be able to do that, and so I def. treasure these days!

I am THANKFUL for what I do have despite my RA/Lupus and Fibro! Thankful for the Affordable Care Act that is giving me hope of insurance (cards should be here any day!). I cannot wait for 12/01! Making appointments SOON! :)

 

Here is a link to learn more about Dr. Jackson (http://www.ucea.org/home/2012/11/19/honoring-the-memory-of-barbara-l-jackson.html)

Love!

 

Life..Stops?? I wish!I

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I wish life sometimes would slow down! Wouldn’t that be lovely….if only we could pause time and a take a NICE LONG nap! HAH! What would be do…I have caught myself thinking the past two days – if only I had more time in the day…if only I could get more sleep….if only I did not hurt so bad! So many “if only’s!” But the reality is “if only” is just that “if only!” Life does not stop, the hours, the minutes and the days go by and yes we still have to learn to live despite our stress, our struggles and our pain!

I have spent so much time the past few weeks digging into statistics! I am so thankful that it is something I can learn by spending time and effort on the problems! Thankfully – variance, range, standard deviation, and z-scores are something I can understand and figure out now! YAY ME!! But I still need to work on the APA writing up of the analysis and how to put into words what I find in numbers!

I am finished! YES FINISHED! With my packet for the American Association of Hispanics in Higher Education fellowship application! I am waiting on one final piece to be reviewed and then I will submit. Then one more conference proposal and the waiting begins. I will probably know about the AAHHE by November and the SERA proposal by November. The good thing is these experiences have grown me tremendously! WOW I did not know how much work it takes to do this stuff but with time management and people’s help…things are getting done. The waiting though can be nerve-wracking too although in my defense this time of year…I could probably forget about it because I have so much else to do!

One thought that I spend time thinking about over the weekend….how often do we get emails,notes, messages and we spend time worrying about what will happen? I am one of those people if you send me a message, email, or voicemail that says that we need to talk …my first instinct is OH MY GOSH WHAT IS WRONG! Then I spend all the time up until the meeting/response wondering what is going on, relieving every thing I have done in the past, and honestly searching for what may have gotten me that type of message! Worry and anxiety flow from those type of messages, at least they do for me! But you know I realize this weekend, why should I always think things are bad? Negativity should not be my first thought, instead positivity should come first! So that is one thing I am working on ….I need to focus on being more positive versus negative!

I was introduced to ankle braces this weekend (maybe that sparked my negativity…it is possible…). My ankles were so swollen, my hands/hips/back and neck hurt so bad. But I survived and I got homework done! I am constantly amazed how I can still get things done despite the inability to have peace and relief from pain. Praise God for that, it makes me extremely thankful for the encouragement of my friends and most importantly for my faith. I could not do this life or what I do in life with out my faith and friends.

Alas though, statistics is calling my name! Be encouraged, don’t give up, fight the good fight tomorrow. I hope that our days come with less pain…one day! I hope :)

Are you hanging in there?

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That is a question I have had to ask myself many times throughout this week! I am mentally drained and physically hurting so bad! Working nearly double what I have been and of course starting classes….STRESSFUL! And we know when we are stressed our bodies go crazy. It may sound hilarious but yes even the knuckles (?) of my toes hurt! The bottom of my feet feel like someone is poking me with needles. I took that as my hint tonight so I am not up as late as I probably need to be……taking care of myself is important!

I caught myself today commiserating about my lack of insurance. Wow I’m coming up to like six months with no steady insurance, it is a weird feeling. I definitely took having insurance for granted. I went throughout college with no insurance but then I was hired at a benefit paying employer. That was so nice! I did not realize how nice until now. But then again, I am definitely not the only person in the US that does not have insurance. I wish it was not so hard for people with “pre-existing conditions” what I would give for one day getting insurance! One day getting back on meds! Oh that would be the day!

But then I realize that is a dream….a short daydream that I caught myself in many times today! The pain sometimes makes you picture sitting on a beach, drinking a margarita and baking in the sun. You have to let your mind go places when staying in this world makes you want to cry because you hurt so bad! But at least in our dreams we can do anything, be anyone, go anyplace and YES BE PAIN FREE! :)

I have TONS TONS TONS TONS TONS TONS TONS of reading to do this weekend! BUT praise God it is a long weekend! My goal for tonight is to rest, and get up in the morning and head to Starbucks. I’m taking my laptop, journal articles, statistics book, and my book for my theory class. YES lots to do but at least I will be sitting at a table….I don’t have a table in my tiny apartment…and I have found out that working at a table sometimes (SOMETIMES) keeps me more focused!

This semester is going to be a rough one…”too much to do” does not even begin to cut it! But I have your support, I have my faith, my prayers, and I will push through. I keep thinking how awesome it will be to walk across the stage…I need to keep that dream in my head!

Sometimes

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Sometimes you have to rest, sometimes you have to let go of your dreams and sometimes you have to push forward for what you heart wants the most. That is the funny thing about life….it changes day by day! For me one day I want to scream and cry because I hurt so bad and other days I am so determined to get through my classes that I can just feel hitting the “end” button for the very last time!

Life is emotional, life is draining, life is stressful but life is your life! Life is what you make of it…not matter the barriers you have to climb! I have learned that because of my invisible disease barriers, I have to push twice as hard, want my degree twice as hard and be determined to finish! But I am not alone in having to push! Maybe you are hurting from something else, exhausted because of something else, or just drained because of something else.

We often feel sometimes that we have to compare ourselves to some one else, and the truth is….we do not have to compare ourselves to anyone. Because our journey is our journey! So sometimes you need to stop and go “THIS IS MY JOURNEY” and I will “LIVE, BREATH, AND BE HAPPY!”

I know sometimes I have done that and especially so this week! I am finally DONE with my paper! My term will close tomorrow and I am so happy! This journey has been rough, but wow what I have learned. Off to rest and get ready for class tomorrow night but the awesome thing is that by this time tomorrow my summer 2012 term will be OVER!!!

THE END IS IN SIGHT

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I crossed another win in my marathon game of finishing a doctorate degree. My HARDEST yes HARDEST paper I have written to date finally became a FIRST draft! Now I will take a break from it tomorrow, I will rest, recoup and take an exam. The positive of this step is that I did not struggle as much as I thought I would.  I sat down BEFORE I started writing and got organized. Thank you to all my teachers, mentors, professors etc. that taught me the value of organizing first! When I had pages of notes to follow….the words and sources flowed. I credit the success to all the encouragement of my blog followers, twitter followers, and my friends. The little notes here and there, the comments of encouragement..this is done because of all of you! THANK YOU!

Today I hurt so bad…I wanted to quit so bad. My legs, my hands, my hips, my knees…everything felt broken and my mind stressed.  I stopped and went and got a manicure/pedicure. As my feet were being massaged and as hot wax helped relieve some of the pain. I felt rejuvenated.  My husband and I went out for dinner and then ice-cream…and I got back home ready to attack the remaining three pages. 

I needed 12 pages and I have about 12.5 pages. This gives me something to edit, add/subtract as I round my paper into something I want to turn in on Wednesday! Thankfully though the hardest part is done! :)

On to the next step, on to facing the remainder of this journey! On to becoming a doctor :)

Just keep going

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That is something I am reminding myself as I am in the “FINAL” week of this summer semester. It has been one tough tough ride but I am almost there! The only tidbit I can share tonight is even when it gets so hard you want to quit (TRUST ME I was there/am there)…take a break and go back at climbing the mountain.

I may be covered in IceeHot so that I can relieve myself temporarily of some pain…but at least I am typing a few more sentences. And in a few more minutes a few more sentences. Eventually the HUGE INTENSE paper I have to write will be done. I just have to keep plugging at it! One step at a time!

Hang in there!

Live for Today, Hope for Tomorrow

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Three more classes! I cannot wait for tonight to be over! We are going to be delving deeper into the world of Deweyian (sp?) educational thinking. Interesting stuff but after 6 hours my brain is FRIED! But I am determined to put my best foot forward, I am determined to finish this class, and I am determined to move forward in this program.

Again today I was reminded how awesome it is to be in a doctoral program. How awesome it is to be learning from some amazing faculty members who so want me and my cohort to be succesful. I am blessed, I am blessed because I have so much! Despite the pain nipping at my body today…I will go into class tonight happy, relaxed and ready to share and learn.

You never know..maybe one day it will be a student of mine sitting at a table in a few years…thinking the same thing I am thinking. That’s just it honestly, you never know what effects the things you do today..will have on your future! You never know that maybe in a few years you will find someone whose life you touched years before. I’m thankful for my encouraging spirit because when I encourage others, I feel more energized. So today I encourage you to live for today and hope for tomorrow! Live looking for someone’s life to touch! You never know what influence you may have on someone else!

That said, I hope that your RA/Fibro pain lessens today. I hope that we can have an awesome (less painful) afternoon! I hope that we can connect with others like us who understand, and I hope that maybe as the months/days go by…we can find more ways to alleviate our pain at little cost to the rest of our body!

You Never Know…

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I have often said that you never know whose life you might tough on a daily basis. I experienced this today when I was at my office. I was working on a paper, the office was quiet and then a student walked in. She had a very simple question, that I easily answered but she nervously started asking me more questions. After about 20 minutes I was able to share with some of the basics of college – what was an AA degree, a BA degree, why is education important, etc. It was nice to be able to help a student who had questions, too many times our days are full of the questions that are so obviously answered. Today I was happy to help someone who honestly needed my help. I’m thankful I had the smile on my face and the ability to answer her questions.

So my reminder from today, you never know who you will meet in life..always be ready! You never know maybe you will be the person that can totally change someone elses’ perspective of the day!

Slowing Down in a Slow Rainy Day

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I woke up today to pouring rain outside! It was a deluge that seemed to never end. I was able to lay in bed and listen to the rain and thunder, my train of thought on sporadically interrupted by my cats howling their dislike of the rain! Oh well…I had to take today slow…my body has given me MAJOR warning signs that either I slow down or I may end up seriously sick.  I think it is a combination of the stress from class, the lack of sleep (unstable sleeping schedule) and all the pain/fatigue.  There is only so much pushing my body can handle before I just need to stop and take a breath

So today was my stopping to take a breath day! I slept in, watched Netflix and finally after being bored…I dragged my mini-proposal documents to my bed and edited my paper. I like the end result, just another sign that after every edit your end result gets better and better. I guess it is the same with our trials in life…we learn (at least I do) that after the trial…I have gained so much strength and perspective. I learn that every valley I walk through strengthens my faith, my relationship with prayer and God and the things in life that are important to me.  My life (as the constant edited paper) is definitely going to be interesting whenever I get done with school and start the next thing.

I decided today that if I manage to finish my doctoral program…I should write a book on doing so while battling RA and Fibro! How does that sound! I want people to know that just because you have two horrible painful, debilitating diseases…life does not have to end. Use your life, the time you can move and do things, to better yourself. The disease can NEVER take away what you have learned and what you have learned about yourself.

I have learned so much about myself these last 7 years I have been earning degrees. I hope to learn much more in the next 4 years while I am finishing my LAST degree. I hope to encourage and inspire people to live for their dreams…not matter the hard hand you are dealt in life. I want people to know that we can still gain our dreams despite our pain!

Dont be Defined

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Do you ever feel as if your disease takes something away from you? For me, I am feeling tonight like my disease is the one thing dragging me down. Here I am in my mid-twenties trying to earn a doctorate degree and yet every ounce of my strength sometimes is thrown into just getting out of bed! I think I mentioned it on here but sadly I am again off insurance. Don’t ask me to explain the headache of it all…but given bad information and changes in policies…I am sitting back at taking zero meds. It is VERY frustrating because the last several weeks, it has rained and rained.  Not every day but enough during each week to where I feel exhausted, frustrated, and emotionally drained.

Granted most days I try so hard to be positive and work through the pain, but do you ever get to those days…or those nights where….you are just done! Your emotionally spent, your physically spent and you just want someone to understand where you are coming from? You want people to know how hard you are fighting, every minute of every day.  You want people to see the real you – the broken, hurting, struggling you.  You are tired of people seeing the you that “looks” fine, acts fine, seems fine.

I hope I am alone in feeling this way but something says maybe I am not? Maybe someone else does too? I do not know what works for you but if it makes you feel any better…yes I understand! I cry with you, I hurt with you, I get angry and frustrated with you because like you….I just want to feel better, to wake up with less pain, to feel a little bit closer to “normal.” Despite the frustration of wanting to make it all go away, deep down inside I know this journey is making me far stronger than I ever thought possible.

Some days (hopefully it is not just me) I ask God…”aren’t I strong enough??” Obviously I am not because my journey has not changed! My encouragement to you is (a) you are NOT alone, I suffer with you…I struggle with and (b) keep getting up, every time you get knocked down.  It does not matter how many times we get knocked down, it matters how many times we get up!

So earlier tonight I was knocked flat to the ground, and now after thinking about it, crying about it, I have decided I am going to get back up! I am going to focus my mind on walking across the stage as a Dr. and I am going to focus finishing this degree not just for me…but to show the world that just because you have RA/Fibromyalgia….you can still live your life!