Tag Archives: hurt

by

Yes….it is real

Time feels as if it has slowed down to just a crawl. It feels like yesterday that we were woken to a phone call…that changed our world. We have since come home…I am at this very minute sitting in my office. I’m contemplating the last few days..the house feels sooo lonely. The girls, Precious and Pepper, can sense something is off. Precious cried all around the house…Pepper cried as she curled up on all the pets favorite spot on the couch.

When I walked inside the house yesterday, it broke my heart to collect Molly’s toys…and to pick up her bed. The blankets still smelled like her…I smiled as I thought of her running all over the house. Jumping on our bed…following me around the house. I walked through the house and caught myself glancing behind me…like I used to..to see if she was behind me…she wasn’t.

I slept last night curled up next to two large stuffed animals. It helped the pain a little bit but they weren’t as warm as she was….nor did they jump up and down the bed…licking my ears because they wanted to get up. The ache hurts my heart…it makes me wish I could just rewind time (don’t we all right). I wished all Sunday to get a phone call explaining the mistake….but that phone call did not come.

This morning, hubby and I went to the vet.  We picked out a pretty white (ivory) urn for Molly. She will be individually cremated (gosh didn’t know there were so many decisions to make) and then returned to us within a week. I think I will keep her in my office…at least until we find a perfect spot to let her ashes go. We also asked for molds to be made of her paws. They are going to have those returned to us next week.

Most of last night I battled with…do I want to see her. Part of my mind keeps replaying just seeing her bound across the high way…and that car hitting her so hard. I don’t think she suffered, the vet believes she died instantly..I hope she didn’t even know what hit her. But part of me still wanted to see her one more time…to hold her one more time…to kiss her and tell her I loved her one more time. But then part of me didn’t want to remember her that way….I wanted to remember her as she was to me…bouncy, loving, running around the house..and being the perfect little angel. In the end, today I couldn’t bring myself to see her as she was left. I will keep the image of her happy self in my mind and when her ashes are returned, at least that will close our relationship with the vet’s office…and we can start to heal.

I have lost pets in my life  growing up as a kid. But you know now…knowing with my Rheumatoid Arthritis, Lupus, and Fibromylgia…we have decided kids are not in our future. The risks/the meds…we have now made our furry kids our kids. We have made Precious, Pepper and Molly our little kids that are always at home when we get home. And it tears my heart that I lost one of my babies.

Some have said…well she is just a dog…but she was more than just a dog to me, to us. She was a bundle of joy…and it ripped my heart out to hear that she was gone.

As can be expected my Fibromyalgia and Rheumatoid Arthritis have flared. But I added some vitamin C and Zinc to my diet. I hope that helps me. And today I took off work to go to the vet’s office, rest, and try to prepare myself emotionally for this week. Classes are beginning…as of Thursday. I have so much to do. Do we have time to grieve…no we never have time to grieve. Do we have to grieve? Yes we have to hurt, we have to ache, we have to cry, and we have to scream….we have to in order to heal.

Healing doesn’t happen overnight…healing takes days…months…years…a lifetime. My Dad died 5 years and 1 month to the day that Molly died. Even though it was 5 years and 1 month ago…I felt my loss of my Dad so much while I felt the loss of Molly. You never truly forget…or heal…but I believe that you can get to a point where you can smile again.

Will my life stop? No it won’t…I will get to class on Monday..I will focus..I will right…I will finish this dream and one day…Lord willing be Dr. Tucker. But I will still hurt and I will still carry the memories of my Dad and my perfect little angel. Both are gone too soon…but I will take what I learned and felt with them to become a better doctor, a better professor, a better researcher, and a better advocator.

To the many who have emailed, texted, messaged, and replied your condolences for my loss. Thank you! It helped me so much on Sunday to know we were not alone in our grief. Your words helped us,your prayers are carrying us.

Thank you for listening, thank you for understanding!

Molly, you gave us joy…you gave us life…you kept us going around the house. You were so perfect for me and Matt. We grew together with you as a our middle child.  You were just learning to go to the bathroom outside when you were told (FINALLY)…I think God is appreciating that. I loved your tricks, I loved your dresses, I loved how you came running as soon as I was in the door (wow Wed. nights are going to suck..you won’t be waiting for me), and you were always following me around the house. I came to expect you in bed with me, to watch me in the bathroom, to sitting next to me in the office, and your pouncing on me when I sat on the couch. I miss you angel. I love you so much!

 

PSS Precious and Pepper say they love you and miss you!

 

IMG_4772 IMG_4773 20130526-112700.jpg 20121229-112903.jpg

 

by

A Great Loss

This morning was shattered, parts of me wishes I could just rewind the past we days. I woke up to a telephone call from a number i didn’t recognize. Groggily I handed the phone to my husband. As I listened to the person talking, tears started pouring out.

My beautiful Molly was boarded this weekend while we went on a small vacation. We boarded her at our vets office, the technician let her out to play. She was not on leash…and she got out through a hole in their fence. She ran into the six lane highway (where most are going upwards of 60mph) and was struck by a car. A car going at upwards of 60 mph….on a 9 pound dog, Molly was killed instantly.

The grief and pain I feel at the moment is overwhelming. The shock of the phone call still rings in my ears. My body is flaring…every joint aches and my Fibro is screaming in my body. I am so angry that a professionals negligence killed my dog. I, a non animal trained person, knew that she could get out of the tiniest hole, I would not let her off lease in my yard until I felt it was safe. A persons carelessness, a professionals negligence….cost my family our baby.

Our hurt is so great…it is hard to imagine Molly wont be curled up on my legs anymore. She won’t be following me around the house. So many could haves or should have or why didn’t I….

Molly we love you and are so sorry we couldn’t keep you safe

20130526-112639.jpg

20130526-112645.jpg

20130526-112651.jpg

20130526-112700.jpg

by

Is My Pain real??

Do you ever (maybe it is just me…) wonder if your pain is real? Do you ever go….hmmmm am I nuts….am I just feeling pain that doesn’t exist??? Random right? But that is a question that I thought about today….my body hurt soooo bad! My fingers, legs, and body in general just felt hit by a car. It feels real…and I almost cried thinking about how much I hurt.

Plus I hear….wow you look great….you must feel great! I’m like wow….at least I look great! Part of me feels like the better I look….the worse I feel. But I try and cover up my pain so that no one sees it…so that I look competent…and capable. Again…the thought crosses my mind….is my pain real?

Then I think of all the people I have talked to who struggle like me…and how sometimes it took soooooo long to get diagnosed. Their treatment possibly hinder because they didn’t look like they hurt…you could not see the hurt!!!!

Is my pain real….yes my pain is VERY real! And yes I might not look in pain….but my pain is real….your pain is real!

This is our journey…to make sense of our real pain!

by

DO IT NOW!

When you login to Facebook and you see that a young high school student has died..it is heartbreaking! As a counselor, my heart breaks for those left behind. For the parents or siblings…how hard tonight has been or will be for them! For this person’s friends left behind….the questions and the heartache…it will not be easy!

If you think a friend is struggling…be there for them. If you see them posting on FB or some other social media site…make a call. It is better to be safe than sorry! Sometimes no matter what we do, we stilll lose someone…and it will still hurt! But if at all possible…we need to open our eyes to the real pain in this world. The pain that is not just physical but the emotional pain of our younger generation!

As I think of that loss I cannot help but remember that sooner than I know it will be four years for me. At 5:00a.m. Wednesday, April 25th! I wish I did not have class that night..will need extra prayers that night!

Anyways, do not wait! Make that call, send that text but most of all….OPEN YOUR EYES and HEART so that deaths like this…hopefully do not happen!

by

Difficult to Think With Pain

Is it just me or when the pain is so bad ….sometimes even thinking about what you want to eat is hard! The last few days my pain has increased tremendously….probably because of all the school work and stress. But it is soooo extremely hard to concentrate when your body feels just broken!

Earlier this week I was thinking in my mind…what all hurts. I made a list – ankles, toes, knees, hips, wrists, thumbs, fingers, shoulders, back. I look at my list and wonder…what joints in my body don’t hurt yet? Key work is “yet.” And then the thought…wow one day everything will possibly hurt…but at the same time today it feels like EVERYTHING does hurt!

Pain does amazing (yet awful) things to your thinking! It could be me but some days I feel exhausted…the lack of sleep because of pain does not help but the pain (even with some rest) is just draining! I some days feel like …why do I get up. I am gaining nothing but a new view (either my living room, my bedroom, my office, etc.) but I am STILL hurting!

The hot shower, the icey hot, it does not matter..no matter what I do…I still hurt! You want to know one of my dreams….I dream that one day we do not have to hurt anymore. And we do not have to take medication that will kill us to do it! Dreams right! one day :)

So yet again I am resting on my lovely couch, hurting so badly that I can hardly think…but one positive that I can think about..I am not ALONE!

by

Painful day

Today was a painful painful day! I managed to spend most of it on the couch! Homework didn’t get done either but my body did get rested! Tomorrow I will spend some time studying and getting ahead! Or so I hope!

Today was yet another day where someone was incredibly mean! This person was offering my family a house to rent and when we turned it down…this person turned ugly! Telling us we would never qualify on our own for a house etc. It is hard to love someone who hurts you but in the end I realize the people who hurt people will never truly move up!

Yes one day I would love my own nice big place and hopefully I will have a really good job! But until then I will enjoy what I am doing and how I am doing things! Some people may not appreciate education but I certainly do! And until the day comes when I feel like God is telling me to stop, I will keep on heading down the direction he has pointed me down! Even someone being incredibly hurtful will not stop me or my family, we are stronger than that!

Don’t let people run over you, not ever! Once they start they will never stop!

by

Tough Day

Today was a tough day! It seems like walls were falling in on everything that I tried to do. Many tears have been shed tonight, more than I would even have wanted.

Say a prayer for me and several major unspoken prayer requests! No matter how hard it is to to tonight I cannot help but cling to the one thing I do know “yes Jesus I trust in you.”

by

There is light through the storm

Many days I think we are tested, to see who we are and what our values are as a human being. For some people, I honestly believe that they feel that there is no better way to live than to compromise everything that they should not. Be that throwing someone under the bus to save themselves or being vindictive when something has gone other than their way. It begs the question, what would you do?

To many times growing up I heard the old (well maybe not that old) phrase “what would Jesus do.” While I do not think you have to be religious to get the significance of this statement, personally I think it is important to point out how incredibly real it is to think about everyone you know be it at work or personally and how you feel they would act toward you at any given moment of the day.

I know a skin level most of us want to think of everyone as the perfect person. Your colleagues as someone who will always be there for you or that supervisor that you love as always being the best. In most days and cases yes that may be true but you have to afford yourself the possibility that may that is not true. So if it may true on most days but one some days it is not, how does that impact how you see them?

For example if you are walking through life, loving your life, your boss, your job, your family, your dog, cat etc…and then all of a sudden something happens. What if your cat runs away and leaves you or your boss throws you under the bus to save himself or herself. What does that make you feel like? What would you do? Would you act as Jesus would act? Do you become vindictive too? Do you walk away? Do you forgive?

For some reason this is the thought that has come to my mind as the clock ticks down to 12:00a.m. Yes apparently I get into the over-thinking mode when I am up at midnight. Why I am up…very good question!

This week has probably been one of the toughest I have experienced in a long time…for many reasons I think. Many questions and thoughts have come across my mind today. Many fears and thoughts, moments of tears and laughter, and I think I have grown up some today! I realize the value of a person, the value of your word, the value of the what you value as a person. Yes I know a lot of value!

While I pray and hope it does not take what happened to me to happen to you, I do hope that more and more people start looking toward the value of their reputation and their legacy. What you do today may help you for today, but is it worth it if you compromise tomorrow?

On a VERY happy note, I was given a belated birthday present! I was so thrilled to get my first very own Kindle! I am excited to develop a love for reading! I’m excited to stimulate my mind and hopefully gain a deeper vocabulary! I’m excited to see what God will do because yes despite the darkest of dark, I can never forget I am NEVER EVER EVER Alone.

The Holy Father is ALwAYS by my side, it is not He that looks away from me, it is me that looks away from him. My goal for tomorrow, the next day and the next is to not lose sight of HIM!

 

by

Growing Up Hurts

You know you are never too old to grow up! Honestly you can be 25 or you can 55, it does not matter. You are never too old to grow up and learn through life lessons. You may think you are too old but honestly, no I do not believe you ever stop being able to learn through life.

Is not it sad though that many times you learn through pain! While I cannot say exactly what has pained me tonight, I will tell you this….the pain is so hard to bear that yes it brought tears to my eyes. For my close friends they know that it takes something big to make me cry. In fact I sometimes struggle to even show emotion but tonight through a growing pain I was again brought to tears.

The pain comes through learning that sometimes no matter what good you want to do….some one can be there trying to yank it down. It comes from realizing that you may think you are helping but in fact you are only opening the door to be stabbed in the back. It comes from realizing how dangerous it can be to stand up for yourself because you never truly know the consequences of your actions.  I think it comes from realizing that yes opening yourself makes you vulnerable.

I am totally not saying to never open your heart and be “yourself” with someone but what I am saying is be ready because when you open your heart in an un-safe environment it can lead to being tremendously hurt. It can make someone shut down emotionally and become this robot that functions only to do their task but that is it. It is hard to find balance is not it, do you always be yourself despite where you are or do you only be yourself when you are safely away from an environment that can hurt you? That is a big question one that tonight I am honestly wrestling with personally.

What I will say though is no matter what you do or where you are always find one or  two people who you can hold on to…that you do work to trust. Because you honestly need those people more than you know to carry you through times! I am thankful so much for those people..they bring joy despite the dark gray clouds. They bring a smile despite the lightening that is falling from the skies.

And lastly another thing that makes me smile is that, “this too shall pass.” In one way or the other your growing pains do eventually fade. But one thing that does not fade is the lesson that you have taken from it! Remember that you are a better person for every growing pain that you hit! However, each time you hit a growing pain it is just as painful as the last.

Never feel as if you have to walk through this growing pain alone! God is always there with you and for that I am eternally grateful! No matter what I am doing, no matter where I am headed or where I am going..Father let me entrust my life, my spirit, my attitude, my heart and my soul to you! To be the person that YOU want me to be and to love despite the world that hates.

If you know of someone who is going through a growing pain right now…give them a hug, write them a note, shoot them an email, give them a call, send them a text message or just pass by them and say “I’m thinking (praying) for you.” Trust me it helps so much with the growing pains of life to feel like you are not alone!