Tag Archives: love

by

Moving forward

Moving forward seems like it should be easy but it is not…at least not as easy as our minds and hearts want it to be. However, it is our reality…we (individually) have to walk through making a new reality…a reality with out our loved one. And no matter what any one tells you..there is no time/date/etc. that works for everyone. Some might need months, other years…and others it will come and go. Some days alright, some days really sad…and some days just blah! The reality is we all deal with our loss…individually!

I think sometimes that is the hardest concept of acceptance. It is hard because it is so individualized..no one is the same!! Today, partly to help mend my heart and partly because my Precious went to the vet today and we were told she was almost obese (she weights 13.5 pounds) and needs to go on a diet.  I went to the pet store to see what wet food/diet food options that they had so we can get an idea of what we are going to do. The place we went…was doing dog and cat adoptions. Some of the dogs were cute..and others were great dogs but just didn’t tug at my heart. I did find one little thing, an adorable 2 yr old Norfolk Terrier/Lhapso (?) mix that needed some love. We walked her, hugged on her, played with her, and got some doggy kisses. She was so sweet and such a gem. I hated she didn’t have a home…maybe …we will see…she was a doll but who knows…we are just not sure yet.

I rested today…I took a 3hr nap…which means I am still up now..well past midnight. But the good news is I am trucking along with homework! YAY!! I am going to do a little more before I head to bed. I want to make sure to make it to service tomorrow. I want to be surrounded by friends and new family when we mark the one week since Molly. It has been one rough week!

I added Vitamin C and Zinc to my number ( and yes NUMBER) of pills that I take. I think my body can use the extra boost..being drained emotionally can cause an additional physical drain. And with an intense summer load (Multivariate Stats and Internship) I do not want to get sick!!!! That would be sooo bad! So here is to crossing fingers that I don’t get a cold this semester! PLEASE NO COLD!!!  Goodness, Rheumatoid Arthritis, Lupus, and Fibromyalgia are enough!!! It all goes back to balance right :)

 

by

DO IT NOW!

When you login to Facebook and you see that a young high school student has died..it is heartbreaking! As a counselor, my heart breaks for those left behind. For the parents or siblings…how hard tonight has been or will be for them! For this person’s friends left behind….the questions and the heartache…it will not be easy!

If you think a friend is struggling…be there for them. If you see them posting on FB or some other social media site…make a call. It is better to be safe than sorry! Sometimes no matter what we do, we stilll lose someone…and it will still hurt! But if at all possible…we need to open our eyes to the real pain in this world. The pain that is not just physical but the emotional pain of our younger generation!

As I think of that loss I cannot help but remember that sooner than I know it will be four years for me. At 5:00a.m. Wednesday, April 25th! I wish I did not have class that night..will need extra prayers that night!

Anyways, do not wait! Make that call, send that text but most of all….OPEN YOUR EYES and HEART so that deaths like this…hopefully do not happen!

by

What are you doing?

What are you doing for the people who you interact with every day? Do you listen to them? Do you ask them about their life with all sincerity? Do you show empathy? Do you show that you care?

I know I want people to care about me, to want to know what is going on in my life and to live a life that is an example of how I want to be treated. I want people to trust me, seek me out and know that I am the true example of a friend. While it is hard to “give” to other people…maybe something that we can all do is work harder at being there for the people who are in our lives.

I cannot help but wonder how our lives have become so “relationship-less.” How is that? Well we are now depending on “Facebook”/”twitter” or some other form of social media to “communicate” what is going on. Gone are the days of dropping in to see someone, to ask how they are doing or finding out how you can support them. The days of family dinner’s/ weekly lunch dates/ etc. Now we depend on seeing a “status update” to know how are friends are doing, who is in a relationship, who is getting engaged, who is sick, who has passed away etc. The list never ends..but the one thing that has ended is us calling with the news.

I miss the one on one communication and I hope that I can always be there for those in my life. I want them to know I am always available to listen, to pray, to visit and to care for them and their needs. What about you? How do you want to be remembered?

Yes a short soap box tonight! Let us just say, some days you do not realize how valuable it is to have someone say “I care.” This is especially true when you are hurting so bad and you just want some relief. If you are suffering tonight, as I know many are…just remember “I care.” And one reason I write on this blog so many times is to let you know that I do care, that I know how hard it is and I want you to be part of the life I LIVE. Yes LIVE, we can LIVE despite our pain!

by

Painful day

Today was a painful painful day! I managed to spend most of it on the couch! Homework didn’t get done either but my body did get rested! Tomorrow I will spend some time studying and getting ahead! Or so I hope!

Today was yet another day where someone was incredibly mean! This person was offering my family a house to rent and when we turned it down…this person turned ugly! Telling us we would never qualify on our own for a house etc. It is hard to love someone who hurts you but in the end I realize the people who hurt people will never truly move up!

Yes one day I would love my own nice big place and hopefully I will have a really good job! But until then I will enjoy what I am doing and how I am doing things! Some people may not appreciate education but I certainly do! And until the day comes when I feel like God is telling me to stop, I will keep on heading down the direction he has pointed me down! Even someone being incredibly hurtful will not stop me or my family, we are stronger than that!

Don’t let people run over you, not ever! Once they start they will never stop!

by

So how is your 2012?

So how is your 2012 year going? Did it start out how you wanted it to? Have you started any changes that you had decided to do? I have managed to do one yoga work out and I have done two walks! YAY! I love my body feeling the effects of a work out but one major thing I dislike is the alarm clock going off early despite staying up late. I decided that I would set my alarm clock to the usual time starting tomorrow. I want to start getting my body used to getting up at that time…and I want to start doing homework!

Tomorrow it will be homework, homework and homework! I need to read one major chapter and write a paper. Those are due day one and then my goal is to get the rest of the stuff done before class! Now the trick will be to have noise in the house (probably the TV) while at the same time really studying! Tonight the Law and Order has been on the TV but I am not sure I have watched any of it…..which I am ok with. I love McCoy and the gang but I know I need to focus on my homework.

I also hopefully closed out a major project that I was working on and praying over! I hope I did a great job and that I can move on to the next project. Do not you love the projects that you start, pray over, work on, pray over some more and then finally submit! It is like a major paper  or a ceramic project. You put the pieces together or write the paper and then you are at the mercy of the person who has to read it or give you their opinion. It is a great feeling to be done but it does not mean you are not anxious about the answer!

I am also excited for the 2012 work year! I return to work on Thursday, I am praying for a great new year, for great new experiences and for whatever the future holds…that I have the right attitude! Remember that no matter where you work, be it home or actually out in the work world, that you are responsible to hold your self accountable to the standards that have been set for you. For me those standards come from God! He directs my paths and I need to adhere my language, the words that come out of my mouth, the actions I take and the places I go…I need to be in line to his calling for my life. I know it may not make sense, trust me if you want to know more message me and I can explain it further!

I had hoped to ring in the new year pain free…sadly that did not happen! :( The Arava is doing a number on my system but I am so thankful for it! Funny it is a tiny white pill that does not have much taste but man it does a lot to my body! The Lyrica increase has been good…I do not think I have felt many side effects from it. THANK GOD! I was really worried that I would get really dizzy or something like that! I may be working my way up to the max dose but for now I’m going to try and make it where I am! YAY! If you are fighting this battle, stand strong! It is not an easy fight but we can do it! :)

 

by

What a day!

Wow today has been sooo busy! Insanely busy and sooo very tiring! I was able to sleep in “PRAISE GOD.” I was still in bed about 10 to 10a.m. when my husband came banging down on the door! We had scheduled a massage for 11a.m. so I needed to get up. Earlier this year we had gotten memberships to a massage place but we have rarely gone. It was sooooooooooooooo great to get a massage, I think I spent the whole time talking to my massage therapist. It felt like a therapy session! :)

After our masssage my husband convinced me to go to CiCi’s pizza. VERY INTERESTING place…the pizza wasn’t great but it was ok. I think I would have liked the place better if it had not been so crowded. We ran around and did some errands after that,  I found two pair of shoes at DSW. They were a little more than what I wanted to pay but I know I need to built up my wardrobe so I went for it. Mostly because I know they are good shoes and they will last (at least I hope they will).

We also did some searching and we found a deal where we could fly on the big planes (736′s) to Orlando, Florida and stay in a SpringHill hotel for a good price. It was the cheapest I have seen it. This will be the first time we have flow together! I’m interested and excited to see how it goes.  We figured it would be our Christmas present to ourselves and we would enjoy a last ” vacation” before school starts for me again! I’m thankful that we could do it..although I know we will be paying it off for a few months! But sometimes you just have to go for things!

We went to our college ministry tonight! The message for these kids was to stay away from debt! Something I agree with but at the same time I believe it is critical that we encourage our students, families, and friends to be responsible with their money! They may not be able to avoid money as whole but they do need to be responsible. That is the one thing I hope for in the future…that I remain faithful with my stewardship and remember that I will only have if I am responsible and careful with it!

Here are a few more random picture that I thought were awesome! :)

 

 

 

by

Day #3 Bishop John Interview, the Genocide Memorial in Kigali, and the Widows Village

After arriving back at the Bloom Hotel late the night before it was sooo nice to sleep in a little bit during day three! We were able to sleep in until about 7:30a.m. before we had breakfast around 8:15a.m. Our interview with Bishop John did not start until 9:00am. We all brought our Bishop of Rwanda (

) books with us to get it autographed.

Personally I was not sure what to expect, thoughts that ran through my head were things like whether or not he would be interesting. Sometimes I have found that people are good writers but not so much good speakers. I was pleasantly surprised! He was so interesting to listen to! It was as if we were all just sponges that sucked up anything he said. He brought us from the history of the pre-genocide, through the genocide and up to the post-genocide.

For two hours we listened to him speak and share some amazing thoughts, quotes and ideas for his country. I took at least 10 pages of notes that I want to transcribe and save for future use somewhere. His passion was so evident, his hands moving so well with his speaking. The grief that he survived through, the love he had  replaced with hate, it was unbelievable. I wish I could have spent more time around this man! He certainly was a servant of God but a man who was so incredibly intelligent and one to certainly admire.

 

by

Day #2 Continued

Picking up where I left off from a few days ago, as you can imagine our mood was somber as we left the church that was used during the genocide. I think the reality of what this country went through really hit us. Talking to a lady who had survived it, seeing her scars…it made me thankful that neither my family nor myself had ever had to survive something like this. I think the question that remained in our minds was “how can humans do this to humans.” Or even worse “how can neighbors do this to their neighbors?”

That was a question we were all contemplating as we continued our drive to Reconciliation Village. You may be asking yourself, why the name “reconciliation village.” I would encourage you to rent (or even Netflix) the moving “As We Forgive.” Why? Mostly because this movie gives you a well document background to Rwanda’s plight.  The honest truth is that it was not foreign invaders that killed an estimated 1 million people in 90 days. It this countries own people, yes we were around murders and people who had their very hands in this slaughter!

But what happens when finally there is justice brought, what happens is that the survivors are left broken and the perpetrators are locked up. What population is left? Broken women, orphaned children and no one who can do much for themselves, they can barely survive. The able-bodied men and children, the are in jail for their crimes. The crimes of murdering entire families, but in ways that are so unspeakable.

In order for the country to overcome though, they need the able-bodied men who can help with the crops, re-planting and rebuilding. Hence the Reconciliation Process was born, mostly in part by a prison organization. The men/children who were in jail had to admit what they had done, whom they had killed, where (to the best of their knowledge) the bodies/remains were located. Then they had to face the survivors of whom they had killed and ask for forgiveness. Can you imagine? A man standing  before you telling you where and how he killed our entire family, but yet he has the gall to ask you to forgive him?

Yes it happened and yes today it still happens! That is the story behind the Reconciliation Village; the people have acknowledged that they have been hurt but they are also willing to forgive. Yes I know, how could they forgive? How could I forgive? Could I forgive? Could you forgive? The how they forgive, I can only attribute that to the love of the Heavenly Father, yes I believe it is something so great that it can only be described as possible thanks to the love of God. Because as a human being, I do not think we could forgive such atrocities as what happened in Rwanda.

But before our eyes a perpetrator and a survivor sat side by side! It reminds me of the verse in the Bible, the that lion will lay down next to the lamb. A beautiful, touching, and amazing story! It shows strength, it shows power, it shows God! If nothing else comes from this trip, I have seen that you can have forgiveness. Despite the most grotesque and cruelest acts that mankind can do…you can still forgive! You can still hug the person who harmed you, you can still live despite the damage of your life.

The important thing to remember is that forgiving is not forgetting! You will never forget; we will never forget what we have seen or heard but you can forgive. You can remember that God still has a higher purpose. You can see that this country is being used for God’s glory! People are coming from all around to hear the stories of forgiveness. The sad part is first we have to hear the stories of hate, hurt and of utter cruelty. But through that hurt we see the most beautiful picture of grace!

As someone said while we were listening and learning in the Reconciliation Village, we heard the story of Christ on the cross. Even in his moments of deepest pain, he said “Father forgive them, for they know NOT what they do.” This was told to us many times by these people seeking to do the unthinkable, seeking to forgive something that so many could not.

This country is the light to the world! A lighthouse set apart! I truly hope that their story of forgiveness touches so many lives that we can do one day join them in Reconciliation with those who have hurt us. Remembering that even our Heavenly Father prayed that they be forgiven, and so can we!

by

Day #2 – Genocide Memorial, Reconcilliation Village and Hotel Rwanda

Monday was an exceptionally busy day! We started at the usual 7:00a.m. and actually we did not get back to the hotel until after 9:00p.m. We loaded up on the busy on our way to the Reconciliation Village. The night before we had watched “As  We Forgive” (

) at our hotel conference room. You watch the story of the country play before your eyes…you cannot help but be overcome. The very streets we walked on, one day was covered in bodies. The smell of the country had to be the smell of death. The people we talk to or the people we pass on a daily basis…fell into one of two categories ….survivors or perpetrators. The families of both sides unmistakable marred for life.

The question that many times was asked this week….how did you forgive..or have you forgiven. I believe the Bishop John said it well when we said that the Rwandan people have to learn to accept responsibility for their actions in the past but to not let those actions affect their future. I have been asked to share what I felt happened in this country….the only words that come to mind is that Satan descended into this country. Why? Because there is no other explanation for the atrocities that happened there. What people did to people, there are no words to describe it other than pure demonic. If you have another word…or another reason why…I would love to talk to you about it!

We stopped at this church on the way to the Reconciliation Village (I will tell you more about that name), the first thing you see at any Genocide Memorial is the purple/white colors banded together. But let me go back, yes I said a church. A church, a holy place..a place of God..in a church at this location over 5,000 men, women and innocent children were slaughtered. While I will not share with you the stories we heard, I will share with you that it was heart wrenching to walk in to this place of God and see skulls, bones, the bloodied walls, the blood stained clothes and the personal items left behind. This was not the only church…there were MANY churches that became slaughter houses because the Tutsi’s ran there for safety and protection and instead found themselves corralled for a slaughter.

I was touched by the beautiful garden that was next to this place. I tried to think about what it had looked like back then and compared to what it is now. There was hate and anger such few years ago….today there is hurt, pain but a hope for reconciliation. A hope to move forward from the physical scars….a hope to heal from the pain.

 

\