The world was not built in a day..at least that is what I was told growing up! LOL! I could be wrong but I do know for a fact a PHD/EDD is not earned in a year…unless you are so incredibly brilliant that I could not even imagine having a conversation with you. Although maybe if that brilliant person suffered with as much pain and fatigue as we do with our illness…maybe that person would need more than a year too!
The point I am trying to make to myself tonight is that as much as I want to be Dr. J already…I need understand (and make my mind understand) that I need to enjoy the process (albeit the stressful process). Part of my life for a while will be the late nights/early mornings (yes it is 3:40a.m. right now). I will come to a routine of going through articles, reading, reading, reading and more reading and writing and more writing. That is going to just be my normal and when I think about it….I probably would do myself a favor and just sit down, buckle up and enjoy the ride! But you know sometimes even though we know that…our minds get impatient. I know mind sure did tonight!
However, after taking a nap I was able to re-group and read my second chapter of statistics. I was able to draft my letter of recommendation request, draft a statement of interest, and draft a research proposal topic. Whew! Tomorrow I have to read, read, and begin to draft test questions. I thought I would dislike being grown..and to some extent I do, but then again I am learning new things I will never forget to do. I am creating new file cabinets in my brain, new things are coming to my mind and I cannot wait to see what I will end up doing with all this new thinking.
Part of me wishes someone really smart would be going through this same journey although I hope their journey is one that leads to a cure for hundreds/thousands of people suffering so bad tonight! I hope that maybe this person who is out there somewhere, really starts making headlines. I hope that one day I do not have to suffer so much, I would love to wake up with energy and with zero zip nada pain! I would be so happy! I think I would jump for joy and run around the block!
That day might come in my lifetime, it might not but at least it makes me happy to think about it! Tonight/this morning though I will also let my mind wander to the happy day..the first day of becoming Dr. J. The first day of a new job where I use what I have learned and the first day toward a journey of using my reputation, my integrity, my character for the good of the students that I hope to serve. Never box in your dreams, let yourself have the length of the sky as the only limits to your passions and your dreams. Do not be hampered by your pain, your stress, your struggles, your hopeless. Trust me it is so easy, there are days I wonder why I am doing this? Wonder why I bother getting out of bed because I’m bound to hurt as much or more within minutes of getting up. But I keep going, you keep going and one day….hey you never know what people will say about what we have done. We, people who suffer with an invisible illness…we can change the world, we can change ourselves…we can be someone who does something remarkable.