Tag Archives: Wednesday

Almost!!!

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Almost to the finish line!! I sat in my last class of the semester on Wednesday…boy did it feel good to leave the campus and know I wouldn’t be back until June!! Now I have finished my first draft of my completed paper that I will be turning in on Wednesday. I have a few more corrections to make to it and then I will turn it in for a grade. AND THEN I will keep working on it…getting it ready to get it journal ready and ready to add more to it over the summer. I have already contacted people to do round #2. YAY!

I will also be working on my first study to get it journal ready. I have to redo some tables and cut/edit/add a few things. My goal is to have it ready for a conference proposal that unlocks in May and closes in July. I want to get that in!! AND THEN off to work on another proposal that is due in September. YES a busy few weeks before classes begin again.

But before then I will get this paper finished, and off to my professor. Then I will take a night or two to rest!! My hubby and I went to celebrate at Outback last night. It felt good given the hectic day(s)/weeks we have had this semester.

WOOHOOO!! Almost done :) Hanging in there!!!

 

Home Again!!

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It is is soo nice to be home and sleep in my own bed. Although I don’t know why but for some reason I kept thinking that today was Monday or Tuesday..not Wednesday. It is amazing how a change in your routine really makes it difficult. Tomorrow thought will be my last “full” day of work for this week YAY!! And the good news is that tomorrow will be a slow day. I can sleep in late and leave work early in the afternoon. So I can sleep in and take a nap!

My goal for tomorrow is to rest and work on getting my paper written…I have to add the preliminary themes. Then I will work on getting into a few more classes this summer to see what students might tell me using my same interview questions. I definitely want to encourage credibility and rigor within my study.

That said, I am home from my last class of this semester! YAY! I have to turn in my paper by next Wednesday (so I have a week) and then I have an awards banquet on Friday. Then to work on my first study some more, I want to get two conference proposals ready before the summer begins. Yes a busy few weeks but I am hoping to enjoy some down time too.

I’m off to rest…my body is in a major flare. Too much going on I guess! Hugs and spoons! :)

 

A Restful Weekend

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How is your weekend going?? Mine week was crazy! Monday night I was at a dissertation workshop….it was stressful…scary but also very interesting. I find it much easier to do something when I know ahead a time. Yes I am a planner!!! Then Tuesday I was nervously trying to prepare for my presentation on Wednesday. Wednesday morning, I was very nervous but remembered that I had been preparing this presentation for over a month. I was as ready as I could be to teach on my chapter. Class went well and once I felt comfortable up in front of the class things went smoothly. I really wanted my cohort to have a better understanding of ethnic identity and acculturation. It is something many of us need to know about. So then Thursday flew by because it was one of those crazy days at work. I worked late into the night in my office, Molly doing her bests to stay occupied. She was a little bored of my study life :P

Friday I rested a lot, probably more than I should have but it had been such a busy week.  I did get out and enjoy a hockey game, sadly we lost, but it was still a lot of fun. Today though my plan is to write, write, write….I want to get a lot done! Great goal right! I have realize that we can plan, plan, plan but sometimes (many times) things do not work that way in life.

I was also wonderfully surprised last night by being notified I was admitted to doctoral candidacy. I almost cried…last year was soooo rough. I thought when I started working on my doctorate that I was prepared. That I could totally handle the study load…but you know (and you can read those blogs) last year was tough. Probably the toughest thing I had ever done. But now I realize it was worth it. It was worth the pain, the tears, the sleepless nights.  Why?? Because I am one step closer to being done. One step closer to saying that I successfully finished a doctorate program WHILE at the same time living with Rheumatoid Arthritis, Lupus, and Fibromyalgia.  I’m still amazed I have kept going….but you know I also realize my strength, confidence, and determination comes first from my faith and second from my dad. I want to make my dad proud, I know he won’t see me graduate but I hope that he would still in some way be proud of my accomplishments.  First and foremost my faith though has kept me going, I do not think  I could face my day to day journey with out my faith.

Living in pain, daily torturous pain….is so hard. Goodness it gets soooo sooo sooo old! And I think the hardest part is people do not get because they cannot see it. I think my constant prayer is that more people open their eyes to see my invisible pain. It would help that is for sure!! But off I go to do more homework :) Enjoy a wonderful Easter weekend.

 

Wow…..Peace

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Wow….the house is quiet..the girls are at my feet (well one is) and I’m just sitting here listing to Jim Brickman on my Pandora. I guess I am in a contemplative mood….maybe being sick right now (thanks to getting used to Arava) has made me slow down some. Here are some my random (yes RANDOM) thoughts that have crossed this brain this morning…

I made it through December 3rd this year with out crying! Wow ….Dad’s birthday….I remember LOVING to pick out his card. Even when I was in college I would go early (like October) to pick out his card and mail it, so despite the 6 weeks to mail something. Dad would get it on his birthday! It has been hard these last almost four years to walk past the Dad card aisle. Dad I still wish you were here to get a card from me, to see all my life has become. Dad, I did it….I made it one year in a doctoral program. You would be so proud. I’m 3 years into a marriage and we are still going strong! Can you believe it….me…your child that Lord knows I (personally) never thought would graduate high school. Much less successfully graduate college in 4.5 years, go straight into a 60hr. MA program, finish in 3.5 years with a 4.0, and then enroll right into a doctoral program and finish her first year with a 4.0. Goodness if someone had told me all this when I was a little girl I would have laughed at them..it was not my plan…it was not at that time my dream…but now I love it. Dad I’ve grown up sooo much these last few years you have been gone…I wish I could pick up the phone and tell you about it!

I still see December 22nd, as my parents wedding anniversary! Every time I hear the date, I remember (like I did when I was a kid) …hey its Mom and Dad‘s wedding anniversary. This year would have been 56 years! Daddy died right after they made it to 51 years. Can you imagine…51 years with one person as your constant companion, your lover, your friend, and the person you share everything with in life. Can you imagine that person suddenly being gone? I did not understand it then when Dad was sick, when Dad was in hospice or the moment I watched my mom hold my dad’s hand the moment he was gone. I did not understand how heartbroken my mother was then…..but now that I have been married 3 years….I am seeing a small insight to her grief. I would be heartbroken to loss my spouse…I  cannot imagine in 47 years how much harder it would be! Wow how I have grown up!

I have to date made my dreams happen despite my RA! I know I am blessed because many of my friends despite their Rheumatoid Arthritis struggle so much more and have it so much harder than me. And I know we should never ever compare ourselves but honestly people we are human…and we will! I am so grateful my body worked so that I could go to class every Wednesday (I did not miss one Wednesday this YEAR!!!) and I could get the homework done…sometimes early! I am so thankful! So very very thankful! This past semester was so rough…I worked hard make it through the rough night and I paid dearly for it with serious pain and swollen joints. However…the semester is OVER! And I do well gradewise and I learned so much. So yes I am thankful so very thankful for success despite a limitation that many do not understand.

For all that read this, thank you for taking time to read it. Thank you for being part of what keeps me going battling my journey. I was sitting in a hospital bed when the idea to blog came to me. I knew I had to stop being angry and start using this pain and suffering for good. As a counselor I knew journaling was a good way to process things…so I realized you know others have to be suffering too…others have to be fighting this battle too. So I started a blog hoping to help anyone who wanted to read it…if nothing else to let them know YOU ARE NOT ALONE, I AM HERE TOO! And that has been the goal so far…this is not a place to find insight to much else (although there is the occasional odd post about a medicine/tx etc) instead it is a place to simply read of someone LIVING despite a tough tough invisible illness.

Don’t you love my contemplative mornings! More to come… :)

 

75% of the my “normal” RA/Fibro….

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Since Thursday I have been struggling with a fever, sinus headache, cold, and sore throat. It is like wow…my body just said “HEY YOU ARE DOING TOOOO MUCH…..TIME TO SLEEP!” Granted I was not happy..this was the week that I had a speaking engagement tonight (was), I have to present my finding on my research to my class via a meeting on Wednesday and then Thursday I fly to Denver! I’m like REALLY THIS WEEK!!! REALLY!!!!

But you know the more I think about it the more I realize ….balance is key! I wasn’t too balanced the last month or so….living, breathing, sleeping statistics…and my research. And my body was like UMMMM yah this is not working for me! You would thing since I have had RA/Fibro/Lupus now for about three years I would KNOW how to balance….but I am still learning…still have not gotten there YET!

Maybe because like many people (or I would think like many people) who have these invisible diseases….we deny it. We say we know what our bodies can handle but then we have one good day! And by one GOOD day…we can actually get up with a little less pain, we can actually do our laundry AND fold our laundry! We can take a shower AND put on our make up! We can go to work for a few hours AND come home and not need a nap! Things like that make OUR days but then we sometimes forget and tend to push on with out a break ….at least I do (did).

The last few weeks I have been pushing on with out my normal nap in the afternoon! Yes I have been on a scheduled nap for a while now…I would go to work…come home, take a nap and THEN do some homework. Which I did ok with for awhile but then I had “SO MUCH TO DO” that I would not take a nap…and just push myself to stay up and do my homework. By the time I did lay down for a nap I was exhausted…beyond my “normal.”

Which that gets me to “my normal” what does that mean??? For me I define my normal as being able to get out of bed, get ready for work, go to work for a few hours a day and get my homework done. Granted this is all done with pain, exhaustion, and fibro fog. So def. not the “normal” that non-fibro/RA people feel. I miss my energy more than anything else…the fatigue/pure exhaustion makes me feel like I have non stop mono and then some! :-P So when I say I about 75% of my “normal” that means a lot to my already exhausted and pain filled body!  I am hoping by tomorrow I am up to 90% of my “normal.” Even though it irritates me to have to say “my normal” but honestly I tell myself…acceptance will help me get through this journey easier.
My counseling background screams in my head——acceptance is part of grieving. I have to accept and move on on…but at the same time denial is part of grieving too. Will I ever “get over” my RA/Fibro dx???? I think probably one day….maybe…. Will I still struggle with denial of it….NO DOUBT. Will I struggle to balance….probably but my hope is I get better at it as I mature!
In the US we are going through a month of thankfulness! I am thankful that I live in a country now where I can get treatment. I am thankful that I am able to share my feelings about living with this disease. One of the main reasons I started my blog was to get out what I was feeling….Lord knows keeping all of this inside…ouch! And then I also wanted people to know wow we can live…it is a different life from the “normal” people but we can still live. And we can connect and we can share our lives! To know someone else out there KNOWS too …wow for me that is golden!
So I am thankful I can share my life and know I am not alone!

I am thankful today for my 75% of my “normal” and I hope that tomorrow I can be closer to 100% of my normal! I am looking forward to Thursday! I cannot wait to share pictures of Denver, my FIRST doctoral student conference and meeting with my fellow Barbara Jackson Scholars! The good Lord has blessed me and I cannot wait to see what will happen!

I still struggle to call my RA/Fibro a blessing…maybe one day! But for today…I am thankful I took yesterday and today to rest and let my cup re-fill! Balance… I hope to learn to do it better! :P