Have you ever asked WHY? Why did today have to suck…not that my day sucked but I did spend all my energy getting ready this morning for church and guess what… I had a flat tire on the way to service! Seriously…and I had gotten up at 7:30 a.m. (after being up until almost 2a.m.) only to make if halfway to service when the flat happened. Then I proceeded to spend the rest of the morning in a NTB waiting room as the tire was fixed. Def. not the morning I had expected….so part of me was like why?
One MAJOR why I have had in my life is ….why God…why did I get the card that said “Rheumatoid Arthritis” and then another card “Borderline Lupus” and then yet another card “Fibromyalgia” and so on…the list continues! You know when I first got dx’d at 23 years old…I was like WTF (excuse the french!). In my mind I was thinking ok…run some more tests (like you have been doing) and find a different answer (forge it…I don’t care)! So yes that day I wondered WHY!!
But then fast forward almost a year..I’m sitting in a hospital bed…I had been there for over a week..I was angry and frustrated. I was made because I wanted to get my nails done (yes I am strange!) And then I realized…you know what..seriously asking WHY is ok…mostly for me it is letting out my anger..but I need to do something with my WHY!
So I did something with my WHY! I started working on a blog! It wasn’t a blog that shared tons of cool information (only occasionally!!). Instead it became a blog of life…living with Rheumatoid Arthritis/Lupus and Fibromyalgia. I wanted the world to know the good, the bad, the crappy, the great and the ACCOMPLISHMENTS that CAN happen despite the WHY that we say due to our disease.
And wow…since my DX so much has happened! I finished a Master’s degree (never thought that would happen!). I successfully flew to Rwanda, Africa! I saw Africa…with my own eyes…walked on African ground…a dream come true (and yes I want to go back AGAIN!). I applied and was accepted to an EdD program (WOW! on the first try!!). And I have managed (so far..knock on wood) to go to class and pass the classes! AMAZING!! And wow God blessed me even more by being named a Barbara Jackson Scholar! WOW!!! DOUBLE WOW!!
And next week I will be going to present at my first conference! WOW! Yes I am nervous but I am excited! Yes I’m picturing the moment where I get up there and choke! I’m picturing all the people staring at me as I start walking up to present! But you know what…I’m going to practice and I am going to be confident. I can do this, I will do this..despite asking my WHY I will finish these classes I have begun! I have to finish..not just for me…but for others with this same journey!
I asked WHY this past Tuesday! I spent so much time the rest of last week and this weekend..just thinking. So many thoughts went through my head and I will tell you the moments of that day will be forever in my brain. I asked WHY a lot last week….I am still asking WHY! I am still anxious ( I guess you would call it that) about going to work tomorrow. The campus doesn’t feel the same…one day though I hope it does….but the key is to keep moving forward. To keep pushing for that peace we once felt on the campus. The key is to acknowledge what we lost (we lost our safety, we lost our peace) and to realize that most of all we have each other. That this journey of healing does not have to be just US! We can ask WHY but we still have to say ….I will get up tomorrow and I will move forward!
So yes as you can see I have asked WHY MANY MANY MANY times in my life…I look back over the years of my RA/Lupus/ Fibro journey and go wow…how life has changed. How much I have grown up! So much has happened…so much has changed…I’m growing up…I’m growing older..my journey is bloosoming…one day at a time!
I encourage you…ask WHY! cry WHY! scream WHY! But most importantly….focus yourself despite the WHY!
We will be successful…we won’t let RA/Lupus/Fibro win! Yes we suffer, yes the fibro fog is so bad we cannot figure out how to turn our car on some days (myself include)…but you know what…we can laugh about those moments (maybe not at that moment but in time). And we can lean on each other to get through our tough days!
So to the world out there…here is a future doctor…I cannot wait to see how I can change the world…even though I am asking WHY!