Shocking words…

There are some words that you never expect to hear in your life and some places you never expect to go. For me at least one of those happened yesterday and one will take place next week.

Some of the words I never expected to hear included “hematology/oncology”, more so anything containing “oncology.” I had lab work run over the weekend because I am still feeling sick, well apparently those labs came back with abnormal cells showing up.  My PCP recommended I see a hematologist/oncologist immediately to see what is going on. While it may very well be nothing the feelings you get when you are told to see this type of specialist…it is a mixture of shock, disbelief and automatic denial.

The options I currently have is that it is 1) a fluke , 2) a complication of a medication I am taking (although I did call my rheumatologist and she strongly said that the abnormal cells being seen are not caused by RA or any RA meds) and I sincerely doubt my asthma or heart medicine are causing it but you never know with my body, 3) a blood disorder or 4) leukemia.

The only two options I currently like are #1 or #2 but I do understand there is a possibility for #3 and #4.  I called and made an appointment for next week so for now all I can do is wait and see what happens. I am more of a realist when it comes to things like this…I realisticly understand that there are multiple options and I also understand that walking around in denial that it could be something is also a bad thing. It coud be nothing or it could be something; however, trying to talk myself into it being nothing is not doing anyone any good.

Instead I think educating myself on what could happen is a good thing, education is vital when it comes to facing a potential medical problem. People can tend to confuse education with negative or acceptance of something being wrong….that is not the case at all. I would rather walk into a doctor’s office with a clue of what could happen so that way if something is wrong I  have an idea of what my options are.

I do understand though that every person has their own method of dealing with this type of news – I have had some people say don’t even let yourself think of options #3 and #4 because by not thinking about them they won’t happen, others say just don’t even let yourself dwell on it, others who take my talking about the options as being freaking out because they are freaked out  and others who just don’t know what to say.  While I am not saying that these are bad things because each person processes in their own way..these are not ways I process.

I process by  going through the possibilities and then I learn about each possibility letting myself understand that it could be any of those possibilities. I also understand that I may not know something for several weeks as I have learned tests take time, the waiting it what bothers me.

Lastly I realize that some may wonder “what else can go wrong” or “why another thing”…you know I wish I knew the answers to those questions too! However I am striving to stay focused on  the fact that I know God has a perfect plan for my life. I do not see the whole picture, in fact I see a very small piece at a time.  I am prepared though to go through this next journey with the same attitude as I have faced this one. God knows, God’s way and only through God’s strength.

I have come to realize that you have to accept that God is in control and that he knows already what your future is. When I was getting all my tests done for my RA (before I knew it was RA) I just wanted to know why my body was sick. The same with throat is killing me and I feel twice as exhausted as I did before..more so than just having RA/Fibro and the other stuff. So I know my body does not feel right, I just want someone to figure out what it is..I’m ready to know what it is so I know how to treat it.

Through God’s strength alone we can face our days ahead, I hold to that for myself and I claim that for who ever reads these random thoughts.

One place I never thought I would have to go is an oncology floor of a medical center.  I get to go there next week, hopefully the first and the last visit but nonetheless…it is a place I never though I would have to go…so yet again I get to step out of my little comfort zone. Maybe there is someone there I’m supposed to meet, maybe that is why my tests are abnormal this one time? I don’t know but it just a random thought.

Day by day right? So I’m closing for tonight, ready to pick up tomorrow…hopefully refreshed and ready for another step in my journey forward!

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