So much on my mind…

Have you ever had so many thoughts swirling through your brain? That seems to be my problem here the last few days. Why? I’m not sure other than so many changes over the past few months, like everything…it takes time to process how you are feeling and what all those feelings really mean to you.

For me the process hasn’t been as painful as I thought at least not until here recently. Why? Probably because like most things that affect our life, we  start to feel the change as time progresses. At first the change may be fun (usually not though) but usually we are so busy trying to get adjusted to the changes that we don’t realize that this is not something we will just be dealing with for a short time, instead it is something we will be living with for our life time.

Now that brings me to yet another small pet peeve, when I say “living with” I inevitably know people who would jump down my throat about – miracles, God’s power to heal etc. I am not saying I do not believe in any of those things in fact I have personally witnessed miracles so you can not tell me miracles don’t exist. However what I am saying is that it is not very supportive to me (again this is my feeling) to constantly keep telling me over and over and over again to just keep talking or asking for a miracle or to be healed. Why?

Because I feel that we are given things in our lives, not to run from them or seek to be saved from them but instead to learn through them.If you constantly ask the Lord to take away things from you how are you ever going to learn through those tests? At least this is how I feel most days lol, there are some days I do pray that the Lord take away the pain because it is so bad!

Ok off that soap box, I guess what I’m going through now ( and have been for several weeks now) is the challenging stage  of yet again accepting how my life has changed but how despite those changes I can still have a life (a different one than I may have anticipated) but I can still accomplish things. It may not have the same outcomes I had hoped for or worked for but again God knows the plans for my life.

I am walking out of graduate school knowing so much more than when I went in. Not just book knowledge but knowledge about myself, I never regret going into graduate school even though I am finishing with a different track than what I started with..it is ok! Although again it is easier to say than to believe and adjust to (which is where I am today).

Next goal..figure out what to do and start smiling in the mornings again (not just outwardly but inwardly)!

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