A four letter word!

Today has been such a long day! When I got up this morning I did not realize I would not stop going until now….10:30p.m. I finally put my homework down! Exhausted but still mentally trying to process everything that I have to get done over the weekend and planning for what I need to do over the following weeks.

I will say….if you are looking for dumb what not to do….let me give you some!

1. Do not register to take the GRE while you are taking 9hrs of graduate work..OVER SUMMER SCHOOL. I do not know what possessed me to do that…because how on earth am I going to study for the GRE? And to be clear I SUCK at math! Tonight I started working on fractions…how did I pass this stuff in high school???? Why on earth would someone want to self torture with learning decimals or working with fractions??? Really…brain where did you go????

2. Do not register for 9hrs of summer school when your body is NOT healthy! Although I wil say having something to focus your mind on, it does help but gosh..the deadlines really are real! If you do not get your homework done…you will get a bad grade!!! I am really really really torn with what I will do about my GPA. Right now I have a 4.0 so basically with the last three classes I have to do I could potentially do a poor job, make C’s and I would still graduate with no problem. However, I would not have the “graduate of high distinction” on my transcript…something I have been working for since I started graduate school. Not that any one cares..when you have a master’s degree, you have a master’s degree…no one really cares if you have one with a 2.5 or a 4.0!

3. Do not work on your doctoral applications while you are taking 9hrs of graduate school and planning for the GRE! That is just torture in itself. Although the good thing is that some of the applications do not fully open until almost the end of the summer…so I have a little bit more time to work on those.

July 9th is the day that will come all toooo soon! Although I have decided I will not let myself be scared about the GRE. I will not let myself get anxious over the GRE. I will do my best, and that is all I can do. I will put my GRE, classes, and body in the hands of the Father. He will take care of me.

What happens happens….if the Lord blesses me and I get into a doctoral program..excellent. If not, then there is something else in store for me and I will try again next year!

Eyes are killing me so off I go to chill for a little bit so I can rest!

How precious are your eyes?

You do not realize how important your eyes are until you hear that your auto immune diseases is causing swelling. I found that out today. My eyes have been hurting and my vision has been changing over the past few months. I had hoped that it was just part of growing up and having to get yet another prescription. But I was wrong…thanks to my RA my eyes are now inflamed and I am unable to produce tears. Now I am steroid drops for my eyes an I have to use prescription tears. I will be taking some sort of drops for my eyes “indefinitely” because the damage has been done.

Do you want to know the saddest part? My eye doctor said to me to day “wow you must have a really good pain tolerance because most people couldn’t have let it go this long before coming in.” I looked at her and said “most people do not live in so much pain all the time.” She stopped and said your right… I am sorry. I feel guilty that I did not see the doctor sooner and now I will be forever putting in fake drops because mine eyes were damaged by the swelling. I am sad that I did not even know that my eyes were killing me because every other part of my body is killing me too.

But do you want to know the funniest part ( yes there is something funny!). I have decided that I am goin to give doctoral applications for Fall 2012 a shot. Yes if you want to call me insane go ahead..but I have realized that my time to get rigorous programs done may be growing short! Not only is my body weak and sick but now my eyes are too. I want to get my education done! There is no time like the present!

Pray for me as I am not only taking 9hrs of graduate work this summer but I am also now taking the GRE the second weekend of July! I am also now completing doctoral applications for the Counseling Psych. programs at two schools and an Educational Leadership and Counseling program at another. In my heart I feel peace but in my mind I am going crazy with the idea that I will be having MANY MANY sleepless nights :). Of course that is what your youth is for especially when you have a body that is being taken over bit by bit from an auto immune disease.

Today I came home, sad because of my eyes but excited because I am going to try to get accepted somewhere for next fall! Will I? That’s not in my hands it is God’s hands. But as several have told me..the only person saying your are not going to get accepted is you…not them! Wait until they tell you no before you  say you are not getting accepted. God can do many great things including helping me get into a doctoral program! He has given me a gift for counseling, a heart to love and encourage..he too can grant me entrance into where he wants me to serve!

Anyways for the next few weeks I will be learning how to put drops in all day long! That is going to get really old but hey if it saves my sight! I have to go back in a few weeks to see if the inflammation has gone down and if my vision improves! Please pray it improves!

Off to bed for me….I have not been getting much sleep at all because of all the pain..but you know at least I  get some! That is more than some people!

Precious :)

Yes her name is Precious! Adorable and sweet, fluffy and purry..and yes she is my adorable cat!! I love how she can curl up in the most insane places and fall fast asleep! While sometimes she acts as if she could care less with what I feel…usually only acting like she loves me when she is hungry…there are times she will meow and jump up on the couch! So adorable!

Tonight I procrastinated a bit more than usual…my pain levels are through the roof! No relief all night and no relief all day today! I felt like my legs were broken  :(!! Make sitting at my desk soooo hard…some time about mid day my shoulder joints started kicking in with pain …adding to the time clock counting down so slow!!!! But I made it through! YAY!!

Hopefully tonight I can actually get some sleep and maybe tomorrow (hopefully!!) I will not hurt as bad!!!

Quiz #1

First quiz is done!! Praise the Lord I made an A!!! I went home today, took a nap and then was able to focus enough to take my exam. I am so blessed to have the Lord on my side! Today was such as hard day, the pain was tremendous and if you have Fibro you know the mental fog that it seems you live in. Not only does every joint have but the fatigue, it feels as if you have run a marathon and even after 9hrs of sleep, you are still exhausted.

Even after a nap on a the couch, my knees, hips, hands and back are killing me! Hopefully I can get some good sleep tonight; although, it may have been weeks before I  have gotten a good nights sleep. It is really hard to sleep when every position hurts your body (hmm maybe sleeping standing up??) No that would not work because my knees and legs would kill me after about 20 minutes, if I lasted that long.

The mental fog is so hard to handle…it probably comes from a mixture of things – lack of sleep and pain (when your body lives in pain it can affect everything about it). Today it was nice to just sit in the office and be alone, it was quiet and although I tried my hardest to not focus on the pain…it still was every present. Hopefully tomorrow it will be better! It it sad when there are days you would rather have no legs  because the ones you have are just hurting you so bad! Sad right!

I think the saddest part is that I know I am not alone! There are so many people (men and women) who are struggling with RA and Fibro (or combined like me).  These horrible invisible diseases have the ability to sap your life away and they do not just attack the elderly! You can get this disease as young as 6 months old! If you do not do anything today, email the Arthritis.org association to ask for more support  especially in research to find a cure. No one should have to suffer like me or people like me!

You can brush your hair, lift your coffee cup, button your blouse, wash your hair, or walk around pain free – should not we be able to do that too?

The week is here!

I managed to get some studying done today, this week I have a busy week of getting some papers done, tests and quiz’s. As much as I hate the stress of quizzes and tests….I still love school. Let’s see what I say after the week is over right 😛

Apparently when I am procrastinating on studying I have to take pictures of the little one..I could not resist these two pictures.

And her adorable face 🙂

Yes she is going to become a popular web kitty! 🙂

One of my classes discusses groups, and one thing that  I have really discovered is that yes as humans we want to be part of “something.”  The desire to be in a group – church group, community group, group at work etc. it is inherent in us. The sad part is that from my experience you can be easily forgotten from a group..why because the people in the group get too busy. Their lives take priority or they keep up with the needs of the “popular” (for lack of better words) ones in the group but the less important ones are forgotten. Is not that sad?

Think of how many people you have come in touch with? Now think of how many of those you have actively sought out a relationship with? How many of those people have gone and been forgotten because your life got to busy? It is sad but it seems like we all have done that in some form or fashion. The sad part of that is that this happens not only among “friends” but sadly in our churches.

Many people I have encountered look at churches wanting family, communion or relationships. How are those supposed to grow when the groups inside the church are so focused on their cliques? How can new people be nurtured or grown when it feels like the church is full of cliques? Not that all churches have cliques and not that all churches do not welcome people but it is something to consider. Why? Because this world is full of hurting people and hurting people need a place to go where they feel loved, unjudged, etc.

The great thing about learning about how people work and interact is that you begin to see the world and the people for who they are, not who they want you to see! We have to keep our eyes open and instead of surrounding ourselves with people who easily get too involved in their lives..surround yourself with those who care about the world they live in. After all…when you desperately need something is your job going to be there for you? No your friends and family will be and sadly if you have spent all your time thinking about yourself…you will not have anyone there supporting you.

I would not want that on any one, learn to think more about those around you! I know I am!