Tomorrow marks the date, that a year ago I finally got an answer to all the pain I was having. I had just had 19 vials of blood tested the week before and sadly I was expecting yet another ….”we still do not know lets run this test or that test.” Matt and I took the appointment on his birthday last year because we thought we would be in an out..not big deal. Sadly our lives changed in the doctor’s office that day.
We found out that I had one of the most painful disease I have ever heard of. I have a disease that 9 times out of 10 no one understands. I had a disease that has the potential to take my life over and sadly I have a disease that is still not curable.
This time last year started months of grieving for us. Anger at why us….we had gotten married just 6 months before..we had not had the opportunity to enjoy a honeymoon year as some many people talk about their first year of marriage. Instead we went to a stage of taking medication that made me sooo miserably sick. My husband had to stand by and watch me being sick, my crying when the pain got so bad, and eventually today to helping me do the basics of living.
Tomorrow is a good day..it marks Matt’s 27th birthday. And while I’m happy for him….part of my heart is still grieving, still partially angry, still hoping that things will go away. But another part of me has moved to another step of grief…acceptance. I have learned to partially accept that I will constantly hurt, I have learned to accept that I can not do some things now….like moving boxes, running, walking up and down stairs etc. While sometimes I push myself to do it….I know I shouldn’t.
I thought a year later I would be further into the grief process..but I’m not! Maybe by next year or the next..right now I’m still adjusting to living, and living with a disease that is so mis-understood…
God for this next year I pray
1. I pray I can have more patience with my body..and know my limits more.
2. I pray I can be more respectful of the fact that I do need to STOP and let things go I cannot fix.
3. I pray I can be more patient with people who do not understand what it feels like to live in constant daily excruciating pain. May I not be so hasty to get angry..but instead may I work on educating them so they know more.
4. I pray that I work harder on my marriage, my academics and my career.
5. And lastly I pray that as I go through the grief process that I look only to you for guidance!