I find it so difficult tonight to find words or a way to express my feelings. Never have I had this situation in my life, to face some of the facts of the past and deal with the present consequences. To make a long story short, I’m in a situation where there is an abuse of power. A person who is not my supervisor but whom I am supposed to support, has been using me. Using me to do things I should not be doing, using me a person that is there and one who needs to do whatever is asked (without question). And yes, sadly I have been doing what I have been told (despite either knowing I should not or doing it and wondering if I should be doing this). While no I did not do anything terribly wrong on the scale or REALLY wrong but still…..
After spending 8hrs in leadership training, it was as if a light bulb came on in my head. I realized that this was in fact someone abusing the fact that I was just there and instead of taking it, I needed to stand up and have some self-respect. I expected this person to react with respect as well but sadly that did not happen. This person yelled at me, demanded I do what I was told with out question (even though what I was being asked to do was something I should not do) and then this person stormed out of the office.
What breaks my heart is that I expect my leaders to have self-control, integrity, competency and most importantly respect. You do not handle your employee by closing the door, yelling at them and then storming out. You should never raise your voice at the work place, it solves nothing. Second of all, when you know you are asking your employee to do something that they should not do but you want them to do it anyway, that is dis-respectful. While yes it did bring many tears to my eyes I can only hope and pray that this is the rock bottom to a situation that has been in a down-hill spiral.
I am hopeful that there this problem can be solved amicably and I am praying that I can learn from my mistakes. I allowed myself to be walked over, I allowed myself to do what I knew I should not do and for that I am very eternally sorry. I should have stood up sooner, I should have realized so many things sooner but I did not. Now I am not sure what the future will be…I can only hope for an amicable solution.
Deep down inside I want to run away but I know that running away does not solve your problems. Instead you have to face your problems. Yes this was a big learning experience for me! I realized the love of money and the greed to have power can be extremely hurtful to someone else. I am so thankful I have a heart that want the Lord and I am heartbroken to know that are people out there who do not. Remember you cannot take anything with you! You will leave it all here! The amount of money in your bank account does not mean anything.
Lastly remember that above all else a leader lives by their core values. Do not underestimate those values, do not push those values aside, do not be too afraid to stand up and say no even when it is not the popular thing to say. Remember when you are doing what is right, despite it being the hardest thing to do, it will pay off in the end.
While for me that may be a change of job, that may be the loss of a job, it may be the beginning of af more stressful work environment….these things I do not know. But what I do know is that I do not want to worry about this situation, I do not want to let my mind go to the what if’s…. I want to wait on the Lord, knowing that in his goodness…ALL THINGS..yes ALL THINGS work together for good! I may not see that good today or tomorrow or the next week or so. But things will happen….I hope you join me in this journey! Pray for me, encourage me, love me and help me through this journey of pain and frustration.
I will let you in on a small secret, the more stressed I am …the more pain I have. When I cry (as hard as it for me thanks to my RA affecting my eyes), I feel exhausted beyond words. So I know that stress will make my life twice the journey it is already, so if you could…ask the Lord that this test be over soon. I do not want to be passed over to test but I want it to pass by quickly. I always say that God wants us out of our comfort zone! He knows his plans for us, let us be willing and waiting! Peacefully!
Lastly I am thankful for such good friends to support me through this journey…several were key today in my tears and frustration. I THANK YOU! You are the reason I keep going!
More soon, keep the prayers coming!!!