Dont be Defined

Do you ever feel as if your disease takes something away from you? For me, I am feeling tonight like my disease is the one thing dragging me down. Here I am in my mid-twenties trying to earn a doctorate degree and yet every ounce of my strength sometimes is thrown into just getting out of bed! I think I mentioned it on here but sadly I am again off insurance. Don’t ask me to explain the headache of it all…but given bad information and changes in policies…I am sitting back at taking zero meds. It is VERY frustrating because the last several weeks, it has rained and rained.  Not every day but enough during each week to where I feel exhausted, frustrated, and emotionally drained.

Granted most days I try so hard to be positive and work through the pain, but do you ever get to those days…or those nights where….you are just done! Your emotionally spent, your physically spent and you just want someone to understand where you are coming from? You want people to know how hard you are fighting, every minute of every day.  You want people to see the real you – the broken, hurting, struggling you.  You are tired of people seeing the you that “looks” fine, acts fine, seems fine.

I hope I am alone in feeling this way but something says maybe I am not? Maybe someone else does too? I do not know what works for you but if it makes you feel any better…yes I understand! I cry with you, I hurt with you, I get angry and frustrated with you because like you….I just want to feel better, to wake up with less pain, to feel a little bit closer to “normal.” Despite the frustration of wanting to make it all go away, deep down inside I know this journey is making me far stronger than I ever thought possible.

Some days (hopefully it is not just me) I ask God…”aren’t I strong enough??” Obviously I am not because my journey has not changed! My encouragement to you is (a) you are NOT alone, I suffer with you…I struggle with and (b) keep getting up, every time you get knocked down.  It does not matter how many times we get knocked down, it matters how many times we get up!

So earlier tonight I was knocked flat to the ground, and now after thinking about it, crying about it, I have decided I am going to get back up! I am going to focus my mind on walking across the stage as a Dr. and I am going to focus finishing this degree not just for me…but to show the world that just because you have RA/Fibromyalgia….you can still live your life!

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