Ahhhhhhh

Ahhhhh!!! I have laid in bed since earlier this evening…and yet sleep still eludes me! My hips and knees feel broken…my ankles are swollen and the rest of me….well if there were words to describe it…I would use them! Yes I am annoyed…annoyed because so many people (yes even today) give me speeches on how great I look, how much I do and how I must be feeling great….because I look great!

If only those people could see the true life I live! If they could see how I can barely move, or if they could see the tears shed because my body hurts so bad! If they could sit up and talk to me because I cannot sleep thanks to my pain! But alas they are not here! They don’t get to see my anguish and suffering and so they don’t understand the life that comes with RA and Fibro. And to be honest, it is heartbreaking!

It makes me so thankful for people who do understand! Although in my face to face life…..that number is probably less than what I can count on one hand! I am thankful for E, her texts all day keep me smiling and pushing on! I love checking emails because L usually sends me stuff when she can, makes her seem like she lives next door. And R wow, she is like a big sister and she keeps me going when so many times i want to quit! I’m thankful for my husband who tries so hard to ease my pain and waits so patiently to help while I cry in pain. I am thankful for them and others who do their hardest to understand the life of invisible pain that I live with every day.

Having an invisible disease is not easy! It makes you so strong but at the same time, some days you do just want people to get what you live with daily! Yes I am strong but I need a hug and to be carried some days! For those that do carry me, thank you! To those that don’t….please try to understand me!

Don’t ignore me for months and send me one line messages about how much you think about me….when obviously if in the last 7-12 months you have done a horrible job of keeping in touch! Your actions don’t match your words! Please remember, match your actions to your words! And don’t tell me…you look great so you must be feeling better! That doesn’t help me! Please don’t treat me like I’m an invalid and someone who cannot contribute, I may have barriers in my life but I have proven to be resilient!

Yes ahhhh that’s a pretty accurate description of the way I feel! I hope tomorrow the ahhhh is replaced with a smile 🙂 again!

HANG ON

I keep telling myself…HANG ON! My door into my research idea has swung open….I’m bured in research while at the same time trying to balance my body’s aches and pains.  I started a cold about a week ago and I thought I had rested enough over the weekend to beat it but….alas not so! Today I’m keeping attached to my DayQuil and Tylenol! I keep picturing in my head my first vacation when school is out …..margarita on a beach! 😛

It is also sad when you turn around and realize that oh my …..my birthday is in a few weeks! how did that happen? LOL! I guess that I’ve spent so much time studying the last year has flown by!

On to statistics homework I go! Hang in there! Hang on to your dream and keep on pushing!

Breath

Remember to breath!! That is what I keep telling myself today and throughout last week! Talk about being stressed and of course with that stress – significant pain! There seems to be so much that needs done and so little time in the day. I don’t know about you but sometimes when I am stressed, I get snippy and cranky! Something that I really dislike about myself and something I am actively working on getting at not doing.

The pain this week has been far greater than I have felt in a while…but again that is probably due to the serious lack of sleep and learning all that there is to learn about statistics! Although it does feel good to have two things completed – my AAHHE fellowship application is done and my SERA proposal has been submitted. I found out that you can always go back and find things to change…eventually you just have to stop and move on! So tonight I stopped and moved on and now I just get to wait. I might get one, both or neither but I have certainly gained a lot in the process.

Tomorrow is class night! The night of the week I don’t look forward to because there are usually statistics and theory quizzes! If I could take those two things out I love the night, sitting in class, talking with my cohortmates, learning..etc. To me that is the best part of being a study…if only we did not have to take quizzes 😛 Accountability though! And that I do understand!

I am seeing a clearer picture of how hard this journey is when your joints are aching with every movement. For some random reason my thumbs decided to swell up and hurt with just about every moment. Then to make me more balanced….my toes decided to do that same! ANNOYING!! Joint pain is VERY VERY VERY VERY X 150000000 annoying! And what I would give to not have any more pain, as I am sure you would too!

But at least we are all in the same boat…does someone volunteer to decorate? I know my side of this boat is a little bland..unless it would could for me to pull out all my statistic book pages and use them to cover the bare walls?? 😛 Off to get more stuff done! Thank you for the many who have sent posts/comments! I am glad that no one things I’m too crazy for keeping you up on my life…hopefully for at least one person out there…you know you have a friend!

Time?

There are days that our lives fly by and days it seems time just drags. I know tonight I had the feeling that hours just flew by me! I know I started today by studying and I ended the day by studying! It was like…wait where did the day go???? How often do we lose focus on time? How often to we take our time with others for granted?

I know hard questions to think about sometimes…especially at 1:15a.m. but at least I am thinking about the value behind those words. 🙂 I know that today despite all my pain, the ache, the tiredness (the never ending list)…I still realized that I have to slow down and take some time and spend it with my husband and taking a break for my own sake. If  I was to lose focus on my time that I have…I would be  person that would never emerge to eat/sleep/study and eventually I would run myself into the ground. It would be mentally drained, emotionally drained and spiritually drained. It is hard for me to stop and take a break..it always has been. But the one thing I can say since my RA/Fibro diagnosis is that i HAVE to take a break. I HAVE to slow down! I HAVE to focus on the time I have spent and the time between my breaks. It is sad of course that it took my dx to let me see that but I am thankful I have gained some perspective these past few years.

Completing a doctoral degree is not easy, it is a tough feat for a normal healthy, young individual..much less for an individual struggling with two serious chronic painful disease. But the good news is that it is doable…..you just have to take into account TIME 🙂

Life..Stops?? I wish!I

I wish life sometimes would slow down! Wouldn’t that be lovely….if only we could pause time and a take a NICE LONG nap! HAH! What would be do…I have caught myself thinking the past two days – if only I had more time in the day…if only I could get more sleep….if only I did not hurt so bad! So many “if only’s!” But the reality is “if only” is just that “if only!” Life does not stop, the hours, the minutes and the days go by and yes we still have to learn to live despite our stress, our struggles and our pain!

I have spent so much time the past few weeks digging into statistics! I am so thankful that it is something I can learn by spending time and effort on the problems! Thankfully – variance, range, standard deviation, and z-scores are something I can understand and figure out now! YAY ME!! But I still need to work on the APA writing up of the analysis and how to put into words what I find in numbers!

I am finished! YES FINISHED! With my packet for the American Association of Hispanics in Higher Education fellowship application! I am waiting on one final piece to be reviewed and then I will submit. Then one more conference proposal and the waiting begins. I will probably know about the AAHHE by November and the SERA proposal by November. The good thing is these experiences have grown me tremendously! WOW I did not know how much work it takes to do this stuff but with time management and people’s help…things are getting done. The waiting though can be nerve-wracking too although in my defense this time of year…I could probably forget about it because I have so much else to do!

One thought that I spend time thinking about over the weekend….how often do we get emails,notes, messages and we spend time worrying about what will happen? I am one of those people if you send me a message, email, or voicemail that says that we need to talk …my first instinct is OH MY GOSH WHAT IS WRONG! Then I spend all the time up until the meeting/response wondering what is going on, relieving every thing I have done in the past, and honestly searching for what may have gotten me that type of message! Worry and anxiety flow from those type of messages, at least they do for me! But you know I realize this weekend, why should I always think things are bad? Negativity should not be my first thought, instead positivity should come first! So that is one thing I am working on ….I need to focus on being more positive versus negative!

I was introduced to ankle braces this weekend (maybe that sparked my negativity…it is possible…). My ankles were so swollen, my hands/hips/back and neck hurt so bad. But I survived and I got homework done! I am constantly amazed how I can still get things done despite the inability to have peace and relief from pain. Praise God for that, it makes me extremely thankful for the encouragement of my friends and most importantly for my faith. I could not do this life or what I do in life with out my faith and friends.

Alas though, statistics is calling my name! Be encouraged, don’t give up, fight the good fight tomorrow. I hope that our days come with less pain…one day! I hope 🙂

Chocolate???

These were my chocolate friends the past few days! Perk of today though….I figured out my formula! 🙂 praise god for the clarity and ability to persevere!

I could barely move today but step by step….things worked out!

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