Wow….the house is quiet..the girls are at my feet (well one is) and I’m just sitting here listing to Jim Brickman on my Pandora. I guess I am in a contemplative mood….maybe being sick right now (thanks to getting used to Arava) has made me slow down some. Here are some my random (yes RANDOM) thoughts that have crossed this brain this morning…
I made it through December 3rd this year with out crying! Wow ….Dad’s birthday….I remember LOVING to pick out his card. Even when I was in college I would go early (like October) to pick out his card and mail it, so despite the 6 weeks to mail something. Dad would get it on his birthday! It has been hard these last almost four years to walk past the Dad card aisle. Dad I still wish you were here to get a card from me, to see all my life has become. Dad, I did it….I made it one year in a doctoral program. You would be so proud. I’m 3 years into a marriage and we are still going strong! Can you believe it….me…your child that Lord knows I (personally) never thought would graduate high school. Much less successfully graduate college in 4.5 years, go straight into a 60hr. MA program, finish in 3.5 years with a 4.0, and then enroll right into a doctoral program and finish her first year with a 4.0. Goodness if someone had told me all this when I was a little girl I would have laughed at them..it was not my plan…it was not at that time my dream…but now I love it. Dad I’ve grown up sooo much these last few years you have been gone…I wish I could pick up the phone and tell you about it!
I still see December 22nd, as my parents wedding anniversary! Every time I hear the date, I remember (like I did when I was a kid) …hey its Mom and Dad‘s wedding anniversary. This year would have been 56 years! Daddy died right after they made it to 51 years. Can you imagine…51 years with one person as your constant companion, your lover, your friend, and the person you share everything with in life. Can you imagine that person suddenly being gone? I did not understand it then when Dad was sick, when Dad was in hospice or the moment I watched my mom hold my dad’s hand the moment he was gone. I did not understand how heartbroken my mother was then…..but now that I have been married 3 years….I am seeing a small insight to her grief. I would be heartbroken to loss my spouse…I cannot imagine in 47 years how much harder it would be! Wow how I have grown up!
I have to date made my dreams happen despite my RA! I know I am blessed because many of my friends despite their Rheumatoid Arthritis struggle so much more and have it so much harder than me. And I know we should never ever compare ourselves but honestly people we are human…and we will! I am so grateful my body worked so that I could go to class every Wednesday (I did not miss one Wednesday this YEAR!!!) and I could get the homework done…sometimes early! I am so thankful! So very very thankful! This past semester was so rough…I worked hard make it through the rough night and I paid dearly for it with serious pain and swollen joints. However…the semester is OVER! And I do well gradewise and I learned so much. So yes I am thankful so very thankful for success despite a limitation that many do not understand.
For all that read this, thank you for taking time to read it. Thank you for being part of what keeps me going battling my journey. I was sitting in a hospital bed when the idea to blog came to me. I knew I had to stop being angry and start using this pain and suffering for good. As a counselor I knew journaling was a good way to process things…so I realized you know others have to be suffering too…others have to be fighting this battle too. So I started a blog hoping to help anyone who wanted to read it…if nothing else to let them know YOU ARE NOT ALONE, I AM HERE TOO! And that has been the goal so far…this is not a place to find insight to much else (although there is the occasional odd post about a medicine/tx etc) instead it is a place to simply read of someone LIVING despite a tough tough invisible illness.
Don’t you love my contemplative mornings! More to come… 🙂