I have been asking myself this question tonight…in fact many times over the past few days. I had thought (NOT SURE WHY!) that my second year in this program might be easier. I failed to think about the fact that more is required….I am expected to not just be a reader of research to be begin the transition of contributing to research myself. I hate to say I have complained about the process…but it is not the process that has really caused me to wonder “is it worth it!?” In fact, in all honesty I love the projects…the digging for researcher to support a theory or the preparing of an IRB proposal. None of that makes me wonder why I am doing it..why if it is worth it! Why? Because I see gaps I want to fill…I see journals I want to publish in! But you know what is even more exciting is I am contributing even next week as I share my proposed idea. And as I am working on my pilot study I can hope and get excited about my project. I cannot believe things are taking off like they are for me in school.
What makes me wonder why..or if it is worth it…is not the academic side but the physical side of it. I have recognized this week (as last year I lived in pain but did not have to balance the side effects of the meds..thanks to no insurance) that being on treatment while doing school is probably one of the hardest things I have done. I am balancing learning new things, working different or even longer hours and then coming home at night and completing my homework…all the while balancing the meds/the side effects. This is what makes me wonder…is it worth it??? Is the pain and the nausea I feel worth it?? Trust me this week as several nights (like tonight) I have been up sooo late working so things are done. Making myself type words because my hands are sooo stiff I know when I stop moving them they will not work. The pain in my arms feels as if they are broken…probably from all the typing today. The pain is what makes me wonder is this all going to be worth it. The fatigue is what makes me wonder if it is worth it.
One day this week the Fibromyalgia brain fog was sooo bad I remember sitting and wondering…was it worth it? Why not just stay home and sleep! I know crazy right??? But in all honesty I do have a family to care for, I do support my mother and I have a husband to care for…those things (and the bills of course) keep me pushing myself to work. The mental image of walking across the same stage I walked back in 2007..except this time I will be done with school after more than a 10 year journey and my dad won’t be in the audience on the floor.
I keep telling myself despite the Rheumatoid Arthritis, despite the Fibromyalgia and everything else…it is worth it!!!! Despite the swollen wrists, and little sleep..the outcomes will be worth it! : )
Let see if my self-talk continues through tomorrow! 🙂