Time feels as if it has slowed down to just a crawl. It feels like yesterday that we were woken to a phone call…that changed our world. We have since come home…I am at this very minute sitting in my office. I’m contemplating the last few days..the house feels sooo lonely. The girls, Precious and Pepper, can sense something is off. Precious cried all around the house…Pepper cried as she curled up on all the pets favorite spot on the couch.
When I walked inside the house yesterday, it broke my heart to collect Molly’s toys…and to pick up her bed. The blankets still smelled like her…I smiled as I thought of her running all over the house. Jumping on our bed…following me around the house. I walked through the house and caught myself glancing behind me…like I used to..to see if she was behind me…she wasn’t.
I slept last night curled up next to two large stuffed animals. It helped the pain a little bit but they weren’t as warm as she was….nor did they jump up and down the bed…licking my ears because they wanted to get up. The ache hurts my heart…it makes me wish I could just rewind time (don’t we all right). I wished all Sunday to get a phone call explaining the mistake….but that phone call did not come.
This morning, hubby and I went to the vet. We picked out a pretty white (ivory) urn for Molly. She will be individually cremated (gosh didn’t know there were so many decisions to make) and then returned to us within a week. I think I will keep her in my office…at least until we find a perfect spot to let her ashes go. We also asked for molds to be made of her paws. They are going to have those returned to us next week.
Most of last night I battled with…do I want to see her. Part of my mind keeps replaying just seeing her bound across the high way…and that car hitting her so hard. I don’t think she suffered, the vet believes she died instantly..I hope she didn’t even know what hit her. But part of me still wanted to see her one more time…to hold her one more time…to kiss her and tell her I loved her one more time. But then part of me didn’t want to remember her that way….I wanted to remember her as she was to me…bouncy, loving, running around the house..and being the perfect little angel. In the end, today I couldn’t bring myself to see her as she was left. I will keep the image of her happy self in my mind and when her ashes are returned, at least that will close our relationship with the vet’s office…and we can start to heal.
I have lost pets in my life growing up as a kid. But you know now…knowing with my Rheumatoid Arthritis, Lupus, and Fibromylgia…we have decided kids are not in our future. The risks/the meds…we have now made our furry kids our kids. We have made Precious, Pepper and Molly our little kids that are always at home when we get home. And it tears my heart that I lost one of my babies.
Some have said…well she is just a dog…but she was more than just a dog to me, to us. She was a bundle of joy…and it ripped my heart out to hear that she was gone.
As can be expected my Fibromyalgia and Rheumatoid Arthritis have flared. But I added some vitamin C and Zinc to my diet. I hope that helps me. And today I took off work to go to the vet’s office, rest, and try to prepare myself emotionally for this week. Classes are beginning…as of Thursday. I have so much to do. Do we have time to grieve…no we never have time to grieve. Do we have to grieve? Yes we have to hurt, we have to ache, we have to cry, and we have to scream….we have to in order to heal.
Healing doesn’t happen overnight…healing takes days…months…years…a lifetime. My Dad died 5 years and 1 month to the day that Molly died. Even though it was 5 years and 1 month ago…I felt my loss of my Dad so much while I felt the loss of Molly. You never truly forget…or heal…but I believe that you can get to a point where you can smile again.
Will my life stop? No it won’t…I will get to class on Monday..I will focus..I will right…I will finish this dream and one day…Lord willing be Dr. Tucker. But I will still hurt and I will still carry the memories of my Dad and my perfect little angel. Both are gone too soon…but I will take what I learned and felt with them to become a better doctor, a better professor, a better researcher, and a better advocator.
To the many who have emailed, texted, messaged, and replied your condolences for my loss. Thank you! It helped me so much on Sunday to know we were not alone in our grief. Your words helped us,your prayers are carrying us.
Thank you for listening, thank you for understanding!
Molly, you gave us joy…you gave us life…you kept us going around the house. You were so perfect for me and Matt. We grew together with you as a our middle child. You were just learning to go to the bathroom outside when you were told (FINALLY)…I think God is appreciating that. I loved your tricks, I loved your dresses, I loved how you came running as soon as I was in the door (wow Wed. nights are going to suck..you won’t be waiting for me), and you were always following me around the house. I came to expect you in bed with me, to watch me in the bathroom, to sitting next to me in the office, and your pouncing on me when I sat on the couch. I miss you angel. I love you so much!
PSS Precious and Pepper say they love you and miss you!