You know getting out bed when you are suffering is sooo hard!! You want to just stay in bed but you know at the same time that getting out of bed, socializing, worshiping with my fellow sisters in Christ, and just getting out of the house….that all of this is worth the pain! That is what I kept telling myself today as I could not seem to dull the pain inside my body. My legs feel as if they are being torn apart from the inside out. My knees, ankles, hips, toes, wrists, shoulders, and fingers…range from an ache that never ends to a stabbing/shearing/torturous pain that does not stop. I went outside today just wondering if I saw a rain cloud (so I could blame the rain) but I did not see any rain clouds.
For me (and probably for you), flares are draining…mentally and physically draining. You want to make your mind work but you have such little energy. The weird thing is you can look just fine….those who know you really well can see you are tired….they can tell maybe you are not as perky as you usually try and be…but others might not even know that you are not feeling good. In a way, I am happy that I can still fool the majority (98.5%) of the world. I get tired of the questions that never end but at the same time, I would love to document pictures of how I look different when in pain.
At least I think I look different when I am in such pain…I know I feel different. But honestly, I think documenting our internal pain (however you could do that) is totally worth it. People need to know how we feel….our words sometimes don’t say much…a picture speaks a thousand words right!
I have spent the afternoon working on MANOVA homework! My first one was turned in for a grade, I worked on my second MANOVA and I have finished a draft of my third assignment. Thankfully I have time, I am going to Austin, Texas this week! Hubby and I decided we wanted to get away and hopefully have a positive experience. It is hard planning to go on vacation since Molly’s accident happened last time we left. That experience was so horrible….I am hoping our girls are alright this weekend while we are gone. My poor things…what they have been through these past few weeks!
As draining as it is to work on statitstics homework, I do enjoy “finding” things in SPSS and transferring those findings to paper. Granted I am still learning the verbage! Whew am I ever! I think my professor is tired of telling me to fix this, that, and the other. I am trying but it is hard. Learning over the summer semester is soooo hard! But fun too!!
I let my mind wander to where I grew up again! Yes more growing up thoughts..maybe it was the pain. When I was younger I suffered horribly with leg pains. Many nights I was woken up for with such excruciating pain. No one could figure out why…and eventually as I grew up the pain lessened and only came when I was doing something extracurricular like hiking or playing soccer. Did I tell you I spent about five years helping my dad as he was instrumental in the building of a hospital? Yes, my dad, a medical missionary, was instrumental in bringing a huge hospital to a poor poor area of Honduras. The people where I grew up desperately lacked medical care, the nearest hospital was hours away….hours away on dirt/muddy/unpaved roads. Imagine being a woman ready for labor…the thought of spending anywhere from four to six hours on an unpaved/dirty/muddy/rainy road….just to see your baby born in a hospital??? Yes many did not make that choice, instead they delivered at home creating a great risk of babies being infected with a variety of diseases like tetanus.
At the age of nine, my sister and I decided that we were there…and we could help our dad with his emergency cases. My sister and I were quick learners….assisting in trauma care, trauma surgery, labor and delivery, general consultations, dental work, and general surgery. YES! Our lives were very different…from losing my first patient at the young age of 13 to delivering a baby at the age of 10 years old. Life was different there, we grew up quickly. But it was amazing the things we learned, and my sister has used many of those things as she is now in the medial field. I was intending on going into medical school to specialize in trauma care…until I met chemistry! Then I changed my mind and now I am here.
But it was amazing the life my sister and I had in our place we call home. I still fondly think of the memories….I think of the hospital that stands today. I wonder …what has happened there….so many memories walking those halls!
Here are a few pictures of the hospital 🙂 including a picture of one of the babies my sister and I helped deliver! We were so excited before we left Honduras…we were able to deliver a set of twins (a major rarity where we lived). Ahhh past….such interesting memories! I say interesting because it seems like a lifetime ago. Now I don’t know if I could do the hours and running around with my Rheumatoid Arthritis and Fibromyalgia but I would def. love to go back and see what is being done today.
Off I go to rest, enjoy the pictures and the stories of the past 🙂