One Step!

The day is here!!! My first class in multivariate statistics is tomorrow night!! OMG!! You know the book is HUGE and HEAVY and the syllabus was 45 pages! This class will go until the first of August…I have no doubt I will be going crazy with studying.  Although, again if I put this into perspective..I will be looking at my last class..this time next year.  That phrase is something I keep saying over and over in my mind “this time next year.” And then next year when I repeat the phrase I will be within a year of graduating! OMG!!! Can you believe it…within two years I will be done!

Many said I was nuts….many thought I couldn’t do it….boy do I pray I can finish this! This journey has not been easy. I was having a conversation today with some one. We were commiserating about how life always happens when you are in school! You will have death, you will have illness, financial concerns, children problems, work problems, etc.

And you know we started talking..if we waited to get things done when the time is right…honestly would we ever find the “right time??” I know for me it seems like balancing the RA/Lupus and Fibro is a full time job (does it feel that way to you???) I feel it is constantly there…which is a good thing because I’m balancing it and hopefully staying out of the hospital. The times that I forget to balance my invisible illnesses…I get caught off guard, sick, and very tired.

Ahhh and you know going back to the imperfect time to start school…I cannot help but think of Molly. I hate that I am grieving…I hate that I have to grieve because someone was negligent (I’m sure many others feel that way). I hate that grieving hurts so bad (probably someone else can say that too).  Grieving is a very tiring and draining process….but as a counselor I remember that I have to grieve. I have to hurt and I have to process it because through processing it…I can focus and move forward. It does not mean it will be easier but it does mean that I can love another dog with out the comparisons to Molly. Humans have to grieve…and through grief we can move forward.

But again that makes me think….how do I balance grief with everything else???? I’m drained emotionally and physically…how do I do that work, school, and live life?? Well you know…. I do what I always do. I get out of bed, I get dressed, I put on my makeup, and look at myself in the mirror and say “I can do this.” I go to work with a plastered smile on my face…and I laugh and I ask questions and I focus. And on the outside I look put together, happy, confident, determined….but on the inside I keep my hurt closed until I get back to my car. Then I let the tears go and focus on getting home so I can be ME. The ME many people don’t see because I don’t want them to see. The real hurting ME but the ME that gets things done despite all the pain. As I have said before….sometimes do you feel we should win Academy Awards for how well we function in society despite our pain?? Honestly, sometimes I feel as if I should win an Academy Award for my performance.

That said, keep a few friends close that see and know the real you! I know I put on a performance for my colleagues, classmates, and friends but for my close dear friends…they know the real me. They can see the pain I really feel. And for those very very few friends… I appreciate them.

If you are grieving tonight like I am….HUGS to you! If you are hurting/flaring tonight…HUGS and SPOONS to you. If you are just needing someone to give you a hug..HUGS to you!

We can do day…one step at a time!



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