Can you remember when you were young? Are there any memories that you go….wow oh how I wish I could do that again?? I remember crawling into my daddies lap! I remember the first cat I ever got. I remember climbing mountains (you see a lot of mountains growing up in Honduras). I remember being terrified to walk down a mountain side .So many memories of growing up in Honduras. For some reason, today I just mulled over those memories.
Maybe it is because this year marks 10 years since I came to this country as a scared…naive…immature (mature in some things, very immature in others) 16 year university freshman. Being so young on a college campus, I worked so hard to break into some social circles..to gain the respect that comes with education and experience. And now I look at myself. On the exterior…I hope that people see a strong, determined, persuasive, educated, talented and outgoing young woman (and future doctor). I know most people don’t see the interior daily pain, the sickness from the auto immune suppressant medicine (currently Imuran) or the rest of the struggles inside.
I know a few days ago I posted about winning an academy. It is sad that sometimes I feel as if I want people to see the real inside (the daily pain, the daily struggle to get out of bed, the Fibro fog, etc.). But that is scary too…what would some people think? Would it take promotions away…would it compromise what other people think of my abilities? These are just some of the thoughts and struggles that I have…maybe you have them to. I don’t want to be viewed as a disease. I don’t want people to see only my pain, my physical and emotional pain. But yet at the same time, I dislike people not knowing because it feels as if the REAL me they are missing out on. So that balance is just another balance that I am learning to handle. I am learning to let people see the true me yet at the same time…protecting the true me (in some ways….or so it feels).
I think most recently part of that struggle…that balance…and what has made me think about this is because I lost Molly. How many of us have a significant pain/struggle….but when you think about it…how many others around you know? How many others are supporting you through it? No, I’m not saying tell your story all the time to every one…but I have seen the value of sharing our lives face to face with other people. Why? Because you never know what they are going through…something you experienced..they might need to know that information. Something you felt/saw/heard/did..it might help them.
So yes it is a balance..but don’t be afraid to share your story. Let’s not be afraid to share who we really truly are…and our struggle. But to share it in a way that lets the world see …we might be battling invisible diseases…but we are STRONG, DETERMINED, CAPABLE, and INTELLIGENT men and women who can still change the world.
I say these things because maybe you are new to the world of Fibromyalgia or Rheumatoid Arthritis or Lupus (or maybe like me you have all three!). But despite being new to the world…I want you to know you can still be someone. I am in a way a newbie…my diagnosis came in 2010. Since then I have battled 4 (now on my 5th) auto-immune suppressant medication.
Does it suck to take oral chemotherapy medication!!!! OH MY GOSH YES!!! Does it make you feel gross, beyond exhausted, and maybe even your hair is falling out a bunch (like mine). But hang in there! Don’t give up…trust me I will be sharing what I learn on this journey. I hope it helps make others journey a little easier!